 | Summer is here, and the TSA is having family problems, so lines are long and tempers are short. Read my handy tips to get to your flight cool as a cucumber! |
1. This should go without saying, but leave home early and well-prepared. Print your boarding pass at home, eat a decent breakfast, and put on a comfy but stylish outfit. Lipstick. Always lipstick.
2. When you get to the airport, indulge your inner toddler before attempting security. Go to the bathroom. Hydrate. Have a snack if you’re lagging. Primp while you’re in the bathroom. Besides doing a little self-care, you might get treated better by the TSA folks. Sad but true, frumpy people get treated shabbily. Keep it classy.
3. Greet the TSA workers pleasantly. They will probably not respond because they’re used to being hated on these days. Be the one civilized person they met all day.
4. While standing in that four-hour long line, look for the little funny things. On my most recent flight, people kept veering left at a fork in the line, and a security agent came along and told us to “Stop Pied-Pipering it! Use both sides!” I didn’t know that Pied-Pipering was a verb, but now I’m going to use it whenever possible.
5. When that toddler throws itself on the floor and starts howling, tell yourself, “That’s not my kid.” Smile.
6. Do your Kegel exercises. No one will know.
2. When you get to the airport, indulge your inner toddler before attempting security. Go to the bathroom. Hydrate. Have a snack if you’re lagging. Primp while you’re in the bathroom. Besides doing a little self-care, you might get treated better by the TSA folks. Sad but true, frumpy people get treated shabbily. Keep it classy.
3. Greet the TSA workers pleasantly. They will probably not respond because they’re used to being hated on these days. Be the one civilized person they met all day.
4. While standing in that four-hour long line, look for the little funny things. On my most recent flight, people kept veering left at a fork in the line, and a security agent came along and told us to “Stop Pied-Pipering it! Use both sides!” I didn’t know that Pied-Pipering was a verb, but now I’m going to use it whenever possible.
5. When that toddler throws itself on the floor and starts howling, tell yourself, “That’s not my kid.” Smile.
6. Do your Kegel exercises. No one will know.
| 7. Attitude is everything when you’re being scanned. First, take off your shoes and jacket like you’re getting ready to go onstage. Deep breath. Think of your fans, and hop into that life-size x-ray machine. Throw your hands up like you’re on the dance floor, snap your fingers, bite your lower lip, and grunt, “Huh!” Now instead of being invaded by technology (and Freddy the screen tech guy), you’re doing the Sexy Dance. That pat-down they give you after the booth? Just another fan who wants to touch you. Smile humbly and murmur, “Thank you. Thank you very much.” Take your bags, give everybody a big smile, and leave the security area. You’re welcome. 8. Now that you’re through security, you might need to refocus. Find the yoga room and work those kinks out. Om till you feel better. 9. If you’re lucky enough to have access to your airline’s lounge, get in there and let the party begin! Some lounges let you buy a day pass. Do it. 10. If there’s no lounge for you, find a cozy cafe with a view and settle in. Buy yourself an over-priced panini and cappuccino. Whatever food they have on the airplane will be even more expensive and cold. Get the good stuff while you can. |   |
We always knew travel involves plenty of waiting. This is just the newest place to wait.
Any tips? Suggestions? Got a funny TSA example?
Bon voyage!
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Any tips? Suggestions? Got a funny TSA example?
Bon voyage!
PREVIOUS: Homeschooling the Gap Year Between Middle and High School
NEXT: The Modern Woman's Guide to Shorts