 | I’m so glad the internet gives us the opportunity to time travel! Yvonne-of-one-month-ago could use a little help. |
Dear Yvonne-of-one-month-ago,
Something new is coming your way. So make yourself a cup of chamomile, curl up in your favorite green armchair, and read this.
You’ve always been of the just-be-nice-to-everybody philosophy, and that’s worked well so far. However, you haven’t actually met many controversial people, so it hasn’t been that hard. You’re about to meet someone new.
Kid 3 is going to make a new friend who is a transgender boy. We’ll call him Jesse. Don’t freak out. Here’s what you’re going to do.
First, breathe. Your immediate thoughts are
Oh no theology politics gender military civil rights and what will my conservative husband Sam say? Smarter people than me are very upset about this! How can I solve it?!
Calm down. You don’t have to solve everything. In fact, you don’t have to solve anything. You just have to care for your loved ones and show God’s love to everyone else as best you can.
This is not that hard. You have survived self-employed health insurance paperwork in California and visa paperwork in France. You climbed the chain section of Angel’s Landing in Zion National Park, crying all the way up because you were scared but you really wanted to do it. Those things were hard. All you need to do in this situation is take your be-nice philosophy out for a test drive. Not that hard. Breathe
Second, ask a millennial. Remember when they invented the internet and your rotary-dial dad asked you what email was? He knew to ask you, not his buddies at the donut shop, because you were more well-versed in modern-day issues. Same here. Millennials came of age in a world where everything was changing--tattoos and piercings and handlebar mustaches are normal, everybody’s connected on social media, they might never have adequate health care, and you only put one space after a period. Scary times.
One of your favorite millennials is Kid 1. Ask her. She’s going to give you some great advice. First she’ll shrug and say she’s glad Kid 3 has friends. True--it’s a new school and being a teenager is tough now. Then, when you say you’re worried about what to tell Sam, your conservative husband, she’ll point out that Kid 3 is in high school, plenty old enough to tell his dad about his friends. Also true. And very freeing. Not your problem!
Third, ask your pastor. Even though you’re not sure where your pastor, Jodi, falls on this very controversial issue, ask her anyway. She will give you great advice. The first thing she’ll do is ask you if you trust Kid 3’s judgement. Yes, in fact, you do. He’s a remarkably self-possessed and compassionate young man who is a good judge of character. Then, Jodi will advise you to meet Jesse and his parents. Get to know them, just like with any new friend.
Fourth, meet Jesse and his parents. You will be pleasantly surprised at how down-to-earth they are and how loving and supportive they are of each other. Jesse’s mother is from Texas, so you may have actually bumped into her at some point in your past. (I suspect she was one of the flute players in your rival marching band at State in 1984.) Nobody is scary here.
Fifth, and this is a big one, sit back and smile with relief when Kid 3 tells Sam about Jesse. I know, you were worried about what Sam would say, since he’s pretty conservative and has been known to react negatively to change. However, you overlooked one important thing--Sam is a kind person. He realizes that Jesse is an actual human being who could use some compassion, and Sam has plenty of compassion.
Sixth, invite Jesse over. You’ll have a row of teenagers on your couch playing video games. You’ll make snacks, which they’ll scarf down while yelling “Thanks, Mrs. Shao!” Regular mom stuff. You’ll have dinner, and discover that Jesse used to live in Scotland, which is your family’s next vacation destination, so that leads to a lively dinner conversation. You’ll learn that Jesse is a terrific kid, smart and funny. He will urge Kid 3 to be more organized in his schoolwork, and Kid 3 will actually take his suggestions and improve. Who doesn’t need friends like this?
Something new is coming your way. So make yourself a cup of chamomile, curl up in your favorite green armchair, and read this.
You’ve always been of the just-be-nice-to-everybody philosophy, and that’s worked well so far. However, you haven’t actually met many controversial people, so it hasn’t been that hard. You’re about to meet someone new.
Kid 3 is going to make a new friend who is a transgender boy. We’ll call him Jesse. Don’t freak out. Here’s what you’re going to do.
First, breathe. Your immediate thoughts are
Oh no theology politics gender military civil rights and what will my conservative husband Sam say? Smarter people than me are very upset about this! How can I solve it?!
Calm down. You don’t have to solve everything. In fact, you don’t have to solve anything. You just have to care for your loved ones and show God’s love to everyone else as best you can.
This is not that hard. You have survived self-employed health insurance paperwork in California and visa paperwork in France. You climbed the chain section of Angel’s Landing in Zion National Park, crying all the way up because you were scared but you really wanted to do it. Those things were hard. All you need to do in this situation is take your be-nice philosophy out for a test drive. Not that hard. Breathe
Second, ask a millennial. Remember when they invented the internet and your rotary-dial dad asked you what email was? He knew to ask you, not his buddies at the donut shop, because you were more well-versed in modern-day issues. Same here. Millennials came of age in a world where everything was changing--tattoos and piercings and handlebar mustaches are normal, everybody’s connected on social media, they might never have adequate health care, and you only put one space after a period. Scary times.
One of your favorite millennials is Kid 1. Ask her. She’s going to give you some great advice. First she’ll shrug and say she’s glad Kid 3 has friends. True--it’s a new school and being a teenager is tough now. Then, when you say you’re worried about what to tell Sam, your conservative husband, she’ll point out that Kid 3 is in high school, plenty old enough to tell his dad about his friends. Also true. And very freeing. Not your problem!
Third, ask your pastor. Even though you’re not sure where your pastor, Jodi, falls on this very controversial issue, ask her anyway. She will give you great advice. The first thing she’ll do is ask you if you trust Kid 3’s judgement. Yes, in fact, you do. He’s a remarkably self-possessed and compassionate young man who is a good judge of character. Then, Jodi will advise you to meet Jesse and his parents. Get to know them, just like with any new friend.
Fourth, meet Jesse and his parents. You will be pleasantly surprised at how down-to-earth they are and how loving and supportive they are of each other. Jesse’s mother is from Texas, so you may have actually bumped into her at some point in your past. (I suspect she was one of the flute players in your rival marching band at State in 1984.) Nobody is scary here.
Fifth, and this is a big one, sit back and smile with relief when Kid 3 tells Sam about Jesse. I know, you were worried about what Sam would say, since he’s pretty conservative and has been known to react negatively to change. However, you overlooked one important thing--Sam is a kind person. He realizes that Jesse is an actual human being who could use some compassion, and Sam has plenty of compassion.
Sixth, invite Jesse over. You’ll have a row of teenagers on your couch playing video games. You’ll make snacks, which they’ll scarf down while yelling “Thanks, Mrs. Shao!” Regular mom stuff. You’ll have dinner, and discover that Jesse used to live in Scotland, which is your family’s next vacation destination, so that leads to a lively dinner conversation. You’ll learn that Jesse is a terrific kid, smart and funny. He will urge Kid 3 to be more organized in his schoolwork, and Kid 3 will actually take his suggestions and improve. Who doesn’t need friends like this?
I know you didn’t anticipate serving bagel bites and 7Up to a young boy who is transgender, but did you think that all the transgender people were in North Carolina, lined up outside the public bathrooms holding signs that said “Please Just Let Me Pee”? No, they’re here.
I know you still have some questions, so let’s just get those out of the way.
What pronoun do I use with this person?
Use the pronoun they prefer, even if it’s “they.” I know grammar is extremely important to you, but let that one go for now.
What kind of work have they had done? What’s going on down there?
STOP STOP STOP. Some things are private. If somebody buys a house, you don’t get to ask how much it cost. If somebody gets married, you don’t get to ask how the sex is. Just because the housewarming and the wedding are public, that doesn’t mean all the details are public. Let people tell you what they want to about this unique experience. Accept what they give you without fishing for more.
What will people think if I’m friends with people who are transgender?
People think all kinds of things. I wonder what people thought when Jesus ate with all those people nobody else wanted to eat with?
I know you still have some questions, so let’s just get those out of the way.
What pronoun do I use with this person?
Use the pronoun they prefer, even if it’s “they.” I know grammar is extremely important to you, but let that one go for now.
What kind of work have they had done? What’s going on down there?
STOP STOP STOP. Some things are private. If somebody buys a house, you don’t get to ask how much it cost. If somebody gets married, you don’t get to ask how the sex is. Just because the housewarming and the wedding are public, that doesn’t mean all the details are public. Let people tell you what they want to about this unique experience. Accept what they give you without fishing for more.
What will people think if I’m friends with people who are transgender?
People think all kinds of things. I wonder what people thought when Jesus ate with all those people nobody else wanted to eat with?
Like Bob Dylan said,
Come gather 'round people
Wherever you roam
And admit that the waters
Around you have grown
And accept it that soon
You'll be drenched to the bone.
If your time to you
Is worth savin'
Then you better start swimmin'
Or you'll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changin'
So, Yvonne-of-one-month-ago, I think you’re ready. If you need anything else, let me know. I’m always ready to time-travel for you.
Love,
Yvonne-of-today
Come gather 'round people
Wherever you roam
And admit that the waters
Around you have grown
And accept it that soon
You'll be drenched to the bone.
If your time to you
Is worth savin'
Then you better start swimmin'
Or you'll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changin'
So, Yvonne-of-one-month-ago, I think you’re ready. If you need anything else, let me know. I’m always ready to time-travel for you.
Love,
Yvonne-of-today
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