 | Flying is no longer the elegant, special thing it was during aviation’s early days. Now, air travel is more accessible and more affordable. It’s more casual. And sometimes, it’s meaner. |
Airplane etiquette consists of regular human decency with extra sensitivity to others mixed in. Let’s begin.
1. Do not bring your pet snake on the plane.
2. Keep your lawyer on speed-dial. You never know when you’ll be asked to deplane, even if you have a seat assignment.
3. Wear conservative clothing. Normally, I would say wear what you want, but even if it is your right to wear a tutu on the plane, you will have no power when the gate agent won’t let you board. If you raise your voice, they’ll call security on you. Cover up.
4. When boarding, if it’s going to take you longer than a few seconds to heave your carry-on bag into the overhead compartment, put your bag in your seat, stand in front of your seat, and wait till there’s a lull in aisle traffic before putting the bag up there. Otherwise, people behind you will bump into each other like those cartoon elephants.
5. Keep all your clothing on. You may remove your jacket. You may remove your shoes, but for the love of Pete, please put them back on before you go to bathroom. Have you seen that floor?
6. Do not have sex on the plane. As tempting as that is, the flight attendants will be onto you fast.
7. The person in the middle seat gets both armrests.
8. Greet the flight attendants as you board. Not only is this the decent thing to do, they’ll peg you as one of the Good Ones. If that big bird goes down, you want to be on excellent terms with the people in charge of getting passengers off the plane.
9. If you bring your own device for you or your child to watch movies, put on headphones. Nobody else wants to listen to Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel.
10. Do all your personal hygiene in the bathroom. You’re in extremely close quarters, and if you clip your nails they will jump onto your unsuspecting seatmate. Bad form.
11. Gentlemen, do not manspread. Your junk does not need ventilation. Your hip joints do not require your legs to be at a 90 degree angle. Just deal with it till you arrive at your destination.
12. Pay attention to the flight attendants. Even if you’ve heard those announcements a thousand times, give them some eye contact. Put your seatback and tray table where they tell you. See #8.
13. Control your kids. I’m sure they’re adorable to you, but the rest of us just want to doze or stare at a screen or book in silence until we land.
14. If your seatmate who is a stranger begins to cry or clutch your hand, show compassion and listen to their story.
15. If you get the aisle seat, remember that you’ll need to let the window and middle seat people out frequently to go to the bathroom. Be gracious.
16. Middle and window seat people, try to keep your bathroom breaks to the minimum. I have spoken with the aisle seat people about being gracious, but there’s no need to push it.
17. If you fall asleep, definitely let your mouth gape open. Drool if possible. Snore. High entertainment value for the rest of us!
18. If you bring food, make sure it’s not stinky or drippy. Fish, hard-boiled eggs, juicy burritos, etc, should be eaten before you board.
19. Do not speak to anyone except the flight attendants and the loved ones you brought onboard with you. Exceptions to this rule: saying please, thank you, and excuse me. Silence is golden.
Thanks to my friend Debbie for the idea for this post! Any other suggestions? Ideas? Helpful hints? Thanks, friends.
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1. Do not bring your pet snake on the plane.
2. Keep your lawyer on speed-dial. You never know when you’ll be asked to deplane, even if you have a seat assignment.
3. Wear conservative clothing. Normally, I would say wear what you want, but even if it is your right to wear a tutu on the plane, you will have no power when the gate agent won’t let you board. If you raise your voice, they’ll call security on you. Cover up.
4. When boarding, if it’s going to take you longer than a few seconds to heave your carry-on bag into the overhead compartment, put your bag in your seat, stand in front of your seat, and wait till there’s a lull in aisle traffic before putting the bag up there. Otherwise, people behind you will bump into each other like those cartoon elephants.
5. Keep all your clothing on. You may remove your jacket. You may remove your shoes, but for the love of Pete, please put them back on before you go to bathroom. Have you seen that floor?
6. Do not have sex on the plane. As tempting as that is, the flight attendants will be onto you fast.
7. The person in the middle seat gets both armrests.
8. Greet the flight attendants as you board. Not only is this the decent thing to do, they’ll peg you as one of the Good Ones. If that big bird goes down, you want to be on excellent terms with the people in charge of getting passengers off the plane.
9. If you bring your own device for you or your child to watch movies, put on headphones. Nobody else wants to listen to Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel.
10. Do all your personal hygiene in the bathroom. You’re in extremely close quarters, and if you clip your nails they will jump onto your unsuspecting seatmate. Bad form.
11. Gentlemen, do not manspread. Your junk does not need ventilation. Your hip joints do not require your legs to be at a 90 degree angle. Just deal with it till you arrive at your destination.
12. Pay attention to the flight attendants. Even if you’ve heard those announcements a thousand times, give them some eye contact. Put your seatback and tray table where they tell you. See #8.
13. Control your kids. I’m sure they’re adorable to you, but the rest of us just want to doze or stare at a screen or book in silence until we land.
14. If your seatmate who is a stranger begins to cry or clutch your hand, show compassion and listen to their story.
15. If you get the aisle seat, remember that you’ll need to let the window and middle seat people out frequently to go to the bathroom. Be gracious.
16. Middle and window seat people, try to keep your bathroom breaks to the minimum. I have spoken with the aisle seat people about being gracious, but there’s no need to push it.
17. If you fall asleep, definitely let your mouth gape open. Drool if possible. Snore. High entertainment value for the rest of us!
18. If you bring food, make sure it’s not stinky or drippy. Fish, hard-boiled eggs, juicy burritos, etc, should be eaten before you board.
19. Do not speak to anyone except the flight attendants and the loved ones you brought onboard with you. Exceptions to this rule: saying please, thank you, and excuse me. Silence is golden.
Thanks to my friend Debbie for the idea for this post! Any other suggestions? Ideas? Helpful hints? Thanks, friends.
PREVIOUS: Dear Bored Man
NEXT: How to Rent an Apartment in Paris