 | Being married to a Chinese guy for 23 years and living in Silicon Valley (Chinatown in the suburbs) I’ve discovered a few terrific Chinese things that most of my non-Chinese friends just aren’t taking advantage of. So today, I’ll be your tour guide through China in Your Backyard. |
Every town in the USA seems to have a Chinese buffet now--sweet and sour pork, chow mein, kung pow chicken, and soft-serve ice cream. You probably guessed that it wasn’t authentic, but hey, it’s still really tasty, so go ahead and eat it. However, it’s time to go beyond Chinese-American food and get to know a few more subtle things.
First, dim sum. This is a traditional southern China meal consisting of small, shared plates. It’s best if you go with a group of at least four, because then you can try more dishes. When they seat you, they might ask you what kind of tea you want. Jasmine is a safe bet. Good luck getting water.
The waitresses come by with carts, you pick what you want, and they mark it on your ticket. Just try everything that looks tasty, even if you don’t recognize it. Prices vary, but it usually comes out to $15-20 per person for us.
First, dim sum. This is a traditional southern China meal consisting of small, shared plates. It’s best if you go with a group of at least four, because then you can try more dishes. When they seat you, they might ask you what kind of tea you want. Jasmine is a safe bet. Good luck getting water.
The waitresses come by with carts, you pick what you want, and they mark it on your ticket. Just try everything that looks tasty, even if you don’t recognize it. Prices vary, but it usually comes out to $15-20 per person for us.
 Custard buns, barbeque pork buns, shrimp dumplings, chicken feet |  Chicken with some sauce |  Barbeque pork |
 Jacob demonstrating proper chopsticks technique with a chive dumpling |  Fried tofu dumplings |  Pork (dip it in the vinegar sauce) and jellyfish |
 Beef rolls |  Mango pudding for dessert |  Cart lady |
I took these photos as Dynasty Restaurant in Cupertino.
If you can’t use chopsticks, they’ll probably bring you a fork. With a smirk.
Now, there are a couple of fun things about eating Chinese food that you need to know.
First, don’t ask anybody to pass you the food. The Chinese are very practical people, and ain’t nobody got time to say, “Please pass the jellyfish” so just use your boarding-house reach with your chopsticks and grab what you want. As long as you don’t fondle every dumpling with your personal chopsticks, it’s ok to take from the community dishes. If the common-chopsticks thing bothers you, ask for extra pairs to put in the serving dishes.
Second, spitting is not only accepted, it’s necessary. Those chicken feet are full of tiny bones, and you have to bite off a finger, mush it around in there, and spit out the bones. Spit them on your plate. Chinese treat bone-noshing like a sport, so join in. You’ll really feel like you’re getting away with something. Hey, Emily Post, get a load of this!
Third, Chinese waiters aren’t assigned specific territories like American waiters--everybody waits on every table and splits the tips at the end of the day. If you need something, flag down anybody in a uniform.
The next delicious Chinese thing you can try is Chinese bakeries. Chinese pastries and cakes aren’t as sweet as American or European varieties, so don’t go looking for that sugar high you get from Grammy’s German chocolate cake with coconut frosting. This is subtle desert. (But frankly, my weight goal for the remainder of my life is to remain medium-sized, so I can’t keep knocking back the Ho-Ho’s like there’s no tomorrow. My chances are better in a Chinese bakery.)
Most Chinese bakeries have trays and tongs for you to get your own goodies, then they bag it for you when you pay.
If you can’t use chopsticks, they’ll probably bring you a fork. With a smirk.
Now, there are a couple of fun things about eating Chinese food that you need to know.
First, don’t ask anybody to pass you the food. The Chinese are very practical people, and ain’t nobody got time to say, “Please pass the jellyfish” so just use your boarding-house reach with your chopsticks and grab what you want. As long as you don’t fondle every dumpling with your personal chopsticks, it’s ok to take from the community dishes. If the common-chopsticks thing bothers you, ask for extra pairs to put in the serving dishes.
Second, spitting is not only accepted, it’s necessary. Those chicken feet are full of tiny bones, and you have to bite off a finger, mush it around in there, and spit out the bones. Spit them on your plate. Chinese treat bone-noshing like a sport, so join in. You’ll really feel like you’re getting away with something. Hey, Emily Post, get a load of this!
Third, Chinese waiters aren’t assigned specific territories like American waiters--everybody waits on every table and splits the tips at the end of the day. If you need something, flag down anybody in a uniform.
The next delicious Chinese thing you can try is Chinese bakeries. Chinese pastries and cakes aren’t as sweet as American or European varieties, so don’t go looking for that sugar high you get from Grammy’s German chocolate cake with coconut frosting. This is subtle desert. (But frankly, my weight goal for the remainder of my life is to remain medium-sized, so I can’t keep knocking back the Ho-Ho’s like there’s no tomorrow. My chances are better in a Chinese bakery.)
Most Chinese bakeries have trays and tongs for you to get your own goodies, then they bag it for you when you pay.
 Our family’s favorites: red bean bun (sweet red bean paste, not red-beans-n-cornbread), cream bun, hot dog bun. Yes, there are sweet pastries AND savory pastries. |  Inside the bakery |  Inside the bakery |
 Inside the bakery |  Inside the bakery |  Our favorite local bakery, Kee Wah in Cupertino |
Finally, there’s Chinese massage. My favorite place is Happy Feet, which I have also seen in other states. I don’t know if it’s a chain or just an obvious name for a reflexology place. They do the whole body, so I don’t know why the title just has Feet. I guess Happy Body sounds a little sleazy. Anyway, I like Chinese massage because it’s cheap, they almost always have therapists waiting for walk-ins, and you keep your clothes on.
Here’s how it works. You pay the receptionist for the service you want ($30 for the basic one-hour works for me), and they turn you over to a massage therapist (male or female, let’s call him Kevin) in jeans and a white polo shirt. You can request your favorite therapist, but I just take pot luck. Kevin guides you wordlessly to a big, dim room full of armless recliners cradling happy people getting their massages from jean-and-polo-shirted-folks, and you take off your shoes and socks and roll your pants up to the knees. Kevin discretly covers you with a sheet, and you soak your feet while he does your head, neck, and arms. When that’s done, Kevin dries off your feet and does wonderful and yet painful things to them. There’s soft, relaxing music, and the only other thing you hear will be that clappy-slappy sound of somebody getting that cupped-hands pat-down at the end of their massage. Also soft snoring from the older gentleman to your left.
When your feet are done, Kevin escorts you to a massage table at the other end of the room where you lie down on your tummy. Put your face in the hole, and let Kevin knead you like a biscuit. He will find that tender spot that’s been bothering you and make it go away. He’ll also find other tender spots you didn’t know about. At some point, Kevin might climb up on the table with you, the better to get his pointy elbow into that sore spot on your gluteus maximus. Just go with it.
Here’s how it works. You pay the receptionist for the service you want ($30 for the basic one-hour works for me), and they turn you over to a massage therapist (male or female, let’s call him Kevin) in jeans and a white polo shirt. You can request your favorite therapist, but I just take pot luck. Kevin guides you wordlessly to a big, dim room full of armless recliners cradling happy people getting their massages from jean-and-polo-shirted-folks, and you take off your shoes and socks and roll your pants up to the knees. Kevin discretly covers you with a sheet, and you soak your feet while he does your head, neck, and arms. When that’s done, Kevin dries off your feet and does wonderful and yet painful things to them. There’s soft, relaxing music, and the only other thing you hear will be that clappy-slappy sound of somebody getting that cupped-hands pat-down at the end of their massage. Also soft snoring from the older gentleman to your left.
When your feet are done, Kevin escorts you to a massage table at the other end of the room where you lie down on your tummy. Put your face in the hole, and let Kevin knead you like a biscuit. He will find that tender spot that’s been bothering you and make it go away. He’ll also find other tender spots you didn’t know about. At some point, Kevin might climb up on the table with you, the better to get his pointy elbow into that sore spot on your gluteus maximus. Just go with it.
 | When you’re done, Kevin will give you a moment to pull yourself together by going to get you a cup of tea or water. Tip him well--how much could he possibly be getting paid if you paid the receptionist $30? Not much, and he’s worth it. Pros of getting Chinese massage versus deep-tissue at someplace like Healing Hands Health Spa featuring Gunther? Chinese massage costs about ⅓ the price of HHHS. It’s also more interesting--the Chinese massage therapists follow a general procedure, but they all have their own variations. You can get an appointment faster because they have a lot of therapists. You can keep your clothes on, which makes the whole process take less time. (If you want the private room treatment, they usually have that, too.) |
I don’t have interior pictures of Happy Feet because a camera flash would really kill the ambiance. Just trust my verbal description.
There you have it! If your town has even a small Asian population, you’ll probably be able to find some of these treats. Just go for it!
If you’re worried that your local dim sum restaurant might be skirting the health code, or that Happy Tootsies might be a brothel, just look for reviews on Yelp. With the internet, you can tell a lot about a place before you get there.
Let’s get that Melting Pot philosophy working both ways, and try some of our immigrants’ awesome stuff. Enjoy!
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There you have it! If your town has even a small Asian population, you’ll probably be able to find some of these treats. Just go for it!
If you’re worried that your local dim sum restaurant might be skirting the health code, or that Happy Tootsies might be a brothel, just look for reviews on Yelp. With the internet, you can tell a lot about a place before you get there.
Let’s get that Melting Pot philosophy working both ways, and try some of our immigrants’ awesome stuff. Enjoy!
PREVIOUS: Why We're Moving
NEXT: Travel and Terrorism
