 | When you visit China, ladies, the most daunting task will probably be going to the bathroom. China’s bathrooms are notoriously disgusting, but don’t let that be a deal breaker for your China dreams. Just heed my advice, and you’ll be ready to answer nature’s call whenever you hear it. |
Big cities, malls, hotels, and private homes will have sit-down toilets, but most others will be squat potties. Don’t be scared--I’ve got you.
(Men, my sources tell me that no matter how gross your bathrooms are, you still get to stand to do your business and therefore don’t need any extra instructions. Congratulations.)
Alright, ladies, let’s do this!
1. When you decide to go to China, start practicing deep knee bends. I’m not kidding
2. Sometimes there are nice surprises. You might get a lovely sitting area in a Tourists Toilet.
(Men, my sources tell me that no matter how gross your bathrooms are, you still get to stand to do your business and therefore don’t need any extra instructions. Congratulations.)
Alright, ladies, let’s do this!
1. When you decide to go to China, start practicing deep knee bends. I’m not kidding
2. Sometimes there are nice surprises. You might get a lovely sitting area in a Tourists Toilet.
 |  |
 | Or your ethnic restaurant might have the prettiest tile work you’ve seen in a long time. |
3. Keep change in your pocket. One Xinjiang toilet I visited had an old guy out front demanding one RMB (about 15 cents) before he’d let you in.I don’t know if he was official or not. He didn’t have a uniform on. But it wasn’t worth arguing about so I paid.
4. Some places want to know if you’re going to do number 1 or number 2 in there. You must answer truthfully, because if they ask it means their plumbing can’t handle your dumps right now. Fess up.
5. Don’t wear sandals. The floors will be wet (who knows why, they just always are), and until you’re an Expert Squat Potty User (ESPU) you’ll probably splash your own feet. Protect your tootsies.
6. Keep toilet paper in your pocket.
7. Keep anti-bacterial wipes in your purse.
8. Until you’re an ESPU, give your purse to a loved one before you go in. There’s probably no hook, and you’ve got enough on your mind without clutching your purse under your chin. Or losing your balance and tipping over backwards. God forbid.
9. There’s no obvious front or back, so face the hole.
10. Don’t flush your toilet paper. Put it in the large smelly bucket that you’ve just seen up close when you squatted next to it. China’s plumbing is fragile and can’t handle anything except biomatter. Either that or they just think the plumbing’s fragile. I’m not going to be the one who breaks the plumbing to prove a point.
11. When you flush, stand back and get ready to leap out of the way. Flushes are sometimes violent and will splash your feet. Some flushes are automatic, so when you stand up you get splashed. Just move fast, either way.
12. Don’t think of the bathroom as your personal hygiene oasis. There will probably be no mirror, soap, or paper towels. There might be a sink. It might have running water. Do your hair and makeup somewhere else.
13. Don’t be shy--there might be a couch, men might be lounging on it. They’re just having a little rest. This was the situation in Beijing’s Forbidden City toilet. Just go with a buddy and you’ll be fine.
14. Don’t be grossed out, but if you’re sensitive to smells, wear a scarf and hold it over your nose. If you’re lucky, you get an individual porcelain basin that you squat over and flush, but you might get a tiled trench that runs perpendicular under the row of cubicles, sloping to the outdoor drain. There will be poop in the trench. You’ve seen poop before. Just roll with it.
Alright, my friends, you’re ready! Don’t let a little thing like plumbing hold you back from enjoying your vacation. You are woman, you are fierce, you are strong, and you can do this!
4. Some places want to know if you’re going to do number 1 or number 2 in there. You must answer truthfully, because if they ask it means their plumbing can’t handle your dumps right now. Fess up.
5. Don’t wear sandals. The floors will be wet (who knows why, they just always are), and until you’re an Expert Squat Potty User (ESPU) you’ll probably splash your own feet. Protect your tootsies.
6. Keep toilet paper in your pocket.
7. Keep anti-bacterial wipes in your purse.
8. Until you’re an ESPU, give your purse to a loved one before you go in. There’s probably no hook, and you’ve got enough on your mind without clutching your purse under your chin. Or losing your balance and tipping over backwards. God forbid.
9. There’s no obvious front or back, so face the hole.
10. Don’t flush your toilet paper. Put it in the large smelly bucket that you’ve just seen up close when you squatted next to it. China’s plumbing is fragile and can’t handle anything except biomatter. Either that or they just think the plumbing’s fragile. I’m not going to be the one who breaks the plumbing to prove a point.
11. When you flush, stand back and get ready to leap out of the way. Flushes are sometimes violent and will splash your feet. Some flushes are automatic, so when you stand up you get splashed. Just move fast, either way.
12. Don’t think of the bathroom as your personal hygiene oasis. There will probably be no mirror, soap, or paper towels. There might be a sink. It might have running water. Do your hair and makeup somewhere else.
13. Don’t be shy--there might be a couch, men might be lounging on it. They’re just having a little rest. This was the situation in Beijing’s Forbidden City toilet. Just go with a buddy and you’ll be fine.
14. Don’t be grossed out, but if you’re sensitive to smells, wear a scarf and hold it over your nose. If you’re lucky, you get an individual porcelain basin that you squat over and flush, but you might get a tiled trench that runs perpendicular under the row of cubicles, sloping to the outdoor drain. There will be poop in the trench. You’ve seen poop before. Just roll with it.
Alright, my friends, you’re ready! Don’t let a little thing like plumbing hold you back from enjoying your vacation. You are woman, you are fierce, you are strong, and you can do this!
