 | There is a lot of travel advice floating around out there, and I’ve found that after you’ve read the first ten articles on any given topic, you’ve read them all. The ones that truly mystify me, however, are the ones about long-haul flights. There are a few things you can do to prepare, but the main thing you need is to remember that you’re going either a) somewhere fantastic, or b) home, and that no matter how miserable you are, it’ll all be over in 15 hours. You can stand anything for 15 hours |
Here are the things I’ve read which make no sense to me, or which I’ve become too jaded to respect.
Myth 1: Wear slip-on shoes, no belt, no buttons, etc., to get through security faster!
If everybody did this, the world would be a better place. But they don’t. And it isn’t. I used to follow this rigorously, until I noticed that my family and I were the only ones doing it. It’s like spectator traffic--you determine to be a bigger person and NOT look at the pile of crumpled metal as you pass it, but hey if the car in front of you is going 5 mph it’s hard to keep your eyes straight ahead and not take a peek. If you wear slip-on shoes and no belt, you’ll be more virtuous but you’ll still have to wait around for everybody else. Just wear what’s comfortable.
Besides, sometimes that TSA Precheck sign magically appears on your boarding pass and you can waltz right through the short security line with your shoes and dignity intact.
Myth 1: Wear slip-on shoes, no belt, no buttons, etc., to get through security faster!
If everybody did this, the world would be a better place. But they don’t. And it isn’t. I used to follow this rigorously, until I noticed that my family and I were the only ones doing it. It’s like spectator traffic--you determine to be a bigger person and NOT look at the pile of crumpled metal as you pass it, but hey if the car in front of you is going 5 mph it’s hard to keep your eyes straight ahead and not take a peek. If you wear slip-on shoes and no belt, you’ll be more virtuous but you’ll still have to wait around for everybody else. Just wear what’s comfortable.
Besides, sometimes that TSA Precheck sign magically appears on your boarding pass and you can waltz right through the short security line with your shoes and dignity intact.
| The best thing you can do to get through security is be nice to the TSA workers. Everybody hates/fears them, and your smile and Thank You might be the best part of their day. Myth 2: Wear this stylish outfit! Really? I’m all for style, and I do miss the days when people dressed up to travel, but 15 hours strapped into a car seat like a toddler calls for comfort where you can get it. Besides, if you wear mostly black you’ll still look classy enough to ask the gate attendant for a free upgrade to first, which would be the only thing that could possibly make your flight more cozy. It never hurts to ask! |  |
Myth 3: Get a window seat so you can sleep uninterrupted!
No. Way. Not only do I never sleep on planes (the combination of excitement and nervousness kill my sleep skills, unless you count that thing where you go all bobble-headed and yank loose some neck muscles pulling your head upright too fast) but I have a peanut bladder. Sorry if that’s TMI, but this is relevant. I will happily get up six times an hour to let Ms. Window Seat go pee, because frankly I’d rather be pacing than sitting. The window seat is the second-most cramped place to be (middle seat is the worst and I usually end up getting way too intimate with my seatmate whether I wanted to or not). Besides, if that big bird goes down, I want to be the first one down the emergency slide.
No. Way. Not only do I never sleep on planes (the combination of excitement and nervousness kill my sleep skills, unless you count that thing where you go all bobble-headed and yank loose some neck muscles pulling your head upright too fast) but I have a peanut bladder. Sorry if that’s TMI, but this is relevant. I will happily get up six times an hour to let Ms. Window Seat go pee, because frankly I’d rather be pacing than sitting. The window seat is the second-most cramped place to be (middle seat is the worst and I usually end up getting way too intimate with my seatmate whether I wanted to or not). Besides, if that big bird goes down, I want to be the first one down the emergency slide.
| Myth 4: Bring your own healthy snacks! Don’t eat the salty airline food! Bring what you want, just remember that you’ll eat it PLUS all the salty airline food. At 32,000 feet I need all the crunchy salty goodness I can get my hands on. You’ll bloat like a pig in clover, but that will only last a couple of days. You’ll walk it off. |  |
Myth 5: Don’t eat those heavy airline meals.
Airline food is a nutritional wasteland, but eating that salt-and-fat-laden foil-wrapped bonanza will kill a good 20 minutes.
Myth 6: Don’t drink the alcohol!
Seriously? I may not be a college student anymore, but if somebody puts a glass of red down on my quivering tray table, I’m going to drink it. Yes, alcohol does pack more of a punch in higher altitudes, but it should wear off by the time you have to drive. Besides, they water the booze till it’s closer to grape juice than merlot.
Myth 7: Take a sleeping pill!
I only like to be unconscious in private. Also, if the plane experiences a loss of cabin pressure, followed by a rapid descent and emergency water landing, I will high-step over your snoozing carcass and get myself and my loved ones into that lifeboat.
Myth 8: Bring face mist, lotion, dry shampoo, perfume, eyebrow smoother, to feel fresh!
You won’t feel fresh, no matter what you do. They have lotion in the bathroom. You can go 15 hours without shampooing. Perfume is about as welcome as smoke on a plane. I don’t even know what face mist is. Do bring your lip balm, because nobody’s going to share that with you.
I once asked a flight attendant who still looked spring-fresh at the end of a 15-hour flight what her secret was, and she said, “red lipstick.”
Oh.
If I put on red lipstick at the end of that ordeal, I’d look like one of those pathetic elderly movie stars with a blood-red smear on her mouth, Beethoven hair, and wide-open twitchy eyes that dart side-to-side. The natural look works best for me.
Airline food is a nutritional wasteland, but eating that salt-and-fat-laden foil-wrapped bonanza will kill a good 20 minutes.
Myth 6: Don’t drink the alcohol!
Seriously? I may not be a college student anymore, but if somebody puts a glass of red down on my quivering tray table, I’m going to drink it. Yes, alcohol does pack more of a punch in higher altitudes, but it should wear off by the time you have to drive. Besides, they water the booze till it’s closer to grape juice than merlot.
Myth 7: Take a sleeping pill!
I only like to be unconscious in private. Also, if the plane experiences a loss of cabin pressure, followed by a rapid descent and emergency water landing, I will high-step over your snoozing carcass and get myself and my loved ones into that lifeboat.
Myth 8: Bring face mist, lotion, dry shampoo, perfume, eyebrow smoother, to feel fresh!
You won’t feel fresh, no matter what you do. They have lotion in the bathroom. You can go 15 hours without shampooing. Perfume is about as welcome as smoke on a plane. I don’t even know what face mist is. Do bring your lip balm, because nobody’s going to share that with you.
I once asked a flight attendant who still looked spring-fresh at the end of a 15-hour flight what her secret was, and she said, “red lipstick.”
Oh.
If I put on red lipstick at the end of that ordeal, I’d look like one of those pathetic elderly movie stars with a blood-red smear on her mouth, Beethoven hair, and wide-open twitchy eyes that dart side-to-side. The natural look works best for me.
| Myth 9: Buy this handy neck pillow, headrest, pashmina, etc. so you can sleep! They have yet to invent the neck pillow that keeps my head upright in coach. The seats just don’t lean back far enough. If you get an upgrade to first, they’ll give you a really nice pillow. |  |
Myth 10: Bring books, magazines, ebooks, etc!
Airlines have an immense stockpile of movies, TV shows, music, news, anything you want. Bring something if you want to, but they have 100’s of hours of entertainment options for you. Also you can watch your airplane crossing over the north pole on that tiny map.
Airlines have an immense stockpile of movies, TV shows, music, news, anything you want. Bring something if you want to, but they have 100’s of hours of entertainment options for you. Also you can watch your airplane crossing over the north pole on that tiny map.
Myth 11: Wipe down your seating area with anti-bacterial wipes and take vitamins to combat all those nasty germs!
Germs are a crap-shoot. Some get you, some don’t. Just wash your hands and don’t bite your nails.
Germs are a crap-shoot. Some get you, some don’t. Just wash your hands and don’t bite your nails.
| Here’s what works for me. Wear comfortable clothes in layers so you can control your personal climate (again, black doesn’t show crumbs or drool), bring a book if you like (electronic or paper), drink water, use lip balm, be nice to your seat mates (you may have to hold their hand if somebody gets scared), and most importantly remember that you’re going somewhere you want to go. When you stagger off the plane, go to the nearest restroom (or VIP lounge, you can usually pay to get in), pull yourself back together, and walk briskly to your ground transportation. You’ll be fine. |  |