 | During the last few years, one of our children went through a mental health crisis. We were at a loss, not knowing what our options were and being thwarted at every turn by our insurance company and conflicting medical advice. Eventually, with love, hard work, prayer, medications, doctors, and flexibility, things came right again, albeit at a new normal. Here are some things I learned, and I hope that if you find yourself in this situation this gives you some direction. |
DISCLAIMER: I am a retired piano teacher, not a doctor! What follows is just our family’s experience, not medical advice. I hope this is supportive and encouraging, but that’s all. Go to a doctor.
First, here are some things to do if your minor child who still lives at home develops mental health issues. Once they turn 18, they will be adults and you will no longer be permitted to join the conversation between doctors, therapists, and your child without your child’s permission. Therefore, if you notice any signs of a problem, get started soon.
1. Hit it hard, hit it fast: go to the pediatrician, begin medication, and get a referral to a psychiatrist to fine-tune the treatment. Research the meds yourself, and continue to be your child’s advocate. Trust your parental gut, and don’t rest until you see results. Explore mental, physical, and emotional options: sometimes learning disabilities or physical problems are misdiagnosed as mental health problems.
2. In addition to medication, get talk therapy. Family therapy can be useful, and individual therapy with a counselor or psychologist is absolutely necessary.
3. Include your teen in the medical decisions. They need to feel that they are part of the solution.
4. Don’t be afraid to rethink your child’s schooling. Time off from school, a change in classes or schedule, dropping activities, a change in schools, or a gap year might be useful. Yes, even in high school.
5. This is not the time for resistance to the mental health profession: if you, your family members, or friends are prejudiced against the mental health profession because of bad experiences, ethnic background, religion, pride, or stubbornness, get over it quickly. The only alternative to professional help is watching the problem get worse.
6. If you are a Christian, do not let your religion get in the way of their treatment. If your child does not click with the Christian therapist you chose, find a secular therapist that does. This is not the time to train your child--this is the time to let others help your child. Pray and take the plunge.
If your adult child develops mental health issues while away at college:
1. For all your children no matter their health conditions, when you take your child to college get to know their university’s health care system. Familiarize yourself, and your child, with their new options: Where is the clinic? Where are counseling services? Does your child need to carry an insurance card with them? Does your family insurance still cover them? Where is the urgent care? Where is the ER? Who will contact you if they get sick: the RA or a friend? Where is the pharmacy? Is there an academic counseling center? This should be done for all children, regardless of their health conditions. You, and they, need to have this information before a crisis happens, whether it’s a sore throat or panic attack.
2. If your child sounds stressed or unhappy, help them find resources to deal with it, whether the problem is mental, emotional, academic, or social. Point them toward some of the resources you researched in the above paragraph. Often college students are overwhelmed, but don’t realize that the school has multiple resources to help them deal with all kinds of difficulties. Try to head off trouble before it gets too big.
3. If your child continues to sound stressed and you are concerned, make a visit to campus. Take you child to dinner, meet their friends, invite your child to stay in your hotel, whatever gives them a chance to talk to you. You’re not being a helicopter parent; you’re being an involved, caring parent. Listen to their concerns and find out if they need more help from you.
4. If your child gives you permission, exchange phone numbers with their close friends, significant other, or RA. Let them know they can call you with any concerns. (Sometimes this works, sometimes it doesn’t.)
5. If you suspect that your child is an immediate danger to him/herself, call 911. An ambulance will come, and they will probably put your child in the hospital on suicide watch. Go get them out, and take them immediately to a doctor. Discuss medication, therapy, options. (See numbers 1 and 2 in the “minor child” section above.)
6. Be prepared to spend money. If your child needs to lighten his/her academic load, they may have to drop classes or take an incomplete. Yes, you will lose tuition money, but desperate times call for desperate measures.
7. If your child has a breakdown, you must assess whether they can finish the semester or if they should cut their losses and come home. Think about whether your child is able to finish the semester with passing grades, if they have the support needed to do their work, and if they are able to navigate the challenges of continuing classes while adjusting to new medicine and therapy sessions. It might cost money, but that is a secondary concern. A distant second.
8. After your child is given a mental health diagnosis, they are eligible for help from their school’s disabled students office. The staff will help with new challenges. For example, students may be allowed to take breaks from class when needed, receive later due dates on homework, or receive other considerations.
9. Your goal is to help your child get strong enough to navigate the healthcare system on his/her own. Taking medication, attending therapy appointments, and maintaining a healthy lifestyle are things your child must feel confident doing before they can resume normal life. This may take a while. Be patient.
10. Don’t be surprised if your child makes some big changes as they recover. They are learning important things about themselves, and this may bring about a change in major, career choice, or relationships. Be flexible. Be supportive. Let them make the changes they need. Give up your expectations and listen to your child.
11. Stop wondering when your child is going to “get well.” It’s ok if they stay on medications or continue to get therapy--we don’t expect someone with asthma or diabetes to just get better and go off their meds. This isn’t the flu. Look for signs that your child is leading a healthy, fulfilling life. That’s “well.”
12. Watch this video. Even if your child is diagnosed with something other than depression, this explains many forms of mental illness.
During the time that our family was in the thick of it, I quickly realized that our new normal needed to be re-evaluated. Family and personal concerns changed, relationships between family members changed, relationships with friends and neighbors changed. Here are some things I learned about surviving and thriving in tricky times.
Going through this with my family was difficult, but it was also eye-opening in many ways. Here are a few things we learned.
Again, this is not medical advice, it’s mom advice. I hope it helps. With love and professional help, your family can get through the crisis and come out stronger on the other side.
Any other suggestions? I’d love to hear what worked for you.
First, here are some things to do if your minor child who still lives at home develops mental health issues. Once they turn 18, they will be adults and you will no longer be permitted to join the conversation between doctors, therapists, and your child without your child’s permission. Therefore, if you notice any signs of a problem, get started soon.
1. Hit it hard, hit it fast: go to the pediatrician, begin medication, and get a referral to a psychiatrist to fine-tune the treatment. Research the meds yourself, and continue to be your child’s advocate. Trust your parental gut, and don’t rest until you see results. Explore mental, physical, and emotional options: sometimes learning disabilities or physical problems are misdiagnosed as mental health problems.
2. In addition to medication, get talk therapy. Family therapy can be useful, and individual therapy with a counselor or psychologist is absolutely necessary.
3. Include your teen in the medical decisions. They need to feel that they are part of the solution.
4. Don’t be afraid to rethink your child’s schooling. Time off from school, a change in classes or schedule, dropping activities, a change in schools, or a gap year might be useful. Yes, even in high school.
5. This is not the time for resistance to the mental health profession: if you, your family members, or friends are prejudiced against the mental health profession because of bad experiences, ethnic background, religion, pride, or stubbornness, get over it quickly. The only alternative to professional help is watching the problem get worse.
6. If you are a Christian, do not let your religion get in the way of their treatment. If your child does not click with the Christian therapist you chose, find a secular therapist that does. This is not the time to train your child--this is the time to let others help your child. Pray and take the plunge.
If your adult child develops mental health issues while away at college:
1. For all your children no matter their health conditions, when you take your child to college get to know their university’s health care system. Familiarize yourself, and your child, with their new options: Where is the clinic? Where are counseling services? Does your child need to carry an insurance card with them? Does your family insurance still cover them? Where is the urgent care? Where is the ER? Who will contact you if they get sick: the RA or a friend? Where is the pharmacy? Is there an academic counseling center? This should be done for all children, regardless of their health conditions. You, and they, need to have this information before a crisis happens, whether it’s a sore throat or panic attack.
2. If your child sounds stressed or unhappy, help them find resources to deal with it, whether the problem is mental, emotional, academic, or social. Point them toward some of the resources you researched in the above paragraph. Often college students are overwhelmed, but don’t realize that the school has multiple resources to help them deal with all kinds of difficulties. Try to head off trouble before it gets too big.
3. If your child continues to sound stressed and you are concerned, make a visit to campus. Take you child to dinner, meet their friends, invite your child to stay in your hotel, whatever gives them a chance to talk to you. You’re not being a helicopter parent; you’re being an involved, caring parent. Listen to their concerns and find out if they need more help from you.
4. If your child gives you permission, exchange phone numbers with their close friends, significant other, or RA. Let them know they can call you with any concerns. (Sometimes this works, sometimes it doesn’t.)
5. If you suspect that your child is an immediate danger to him/herself, call 911. An ambulance will come, and they will probably put your child in the hospital on suicide watch. Go get them out, and take them immediately to a doctor. Discuss medication, therapy, options. (See numbers 1 and 2 in the “minor child” section above.)
6. Be prepared to spend money. If your child needs to lighten his/her academic load, they may have to drop classes or take an incomplete. Yes, you will lose tuition money, but desperate times call for desperate measures.
7. If your child has a breakdown, you must assess whether they can finish the semester or if they should cut their losses and come home. Think about whether your child is able to finish the semester with passing grades, if they have the support needed to do their work, and if they are able to navigate the challenges of continuing classes while adjusting to new medicine and therapy sessions. It might cost money, but that is a secondary concern. A distant second.
8. After your child is given a mental health diagnosis, they are eligible for help from their school’s disabled students office. The staff will help with new challenges. For example, students may be allowed to take breaks from class when needed, receive later due dates on homework, or receive other considerations.
9. Your goal is to help your child get strong enough to navigate the healthcare system on his/her own. Taking medication, attending therapy appointments, and maintaining a healthy lifestyle are things your child must feel confident doing before they can resume normal life. This may take a while. Be patient.
10. Don’t be surprised if your child makes some big changes as they recover. They are learning important things about themselves, and this may bring about a change in major, career choice, or relationships. Be flexible. Be supportive. Let them make the changes they need. Give up your expectations and listen to your child.
11. Stop wondering when your child is going to “get well.” It’s ok if they stay on medications or continue to get therapy--we don’t expect someone with asthma or diabetes to just get better and go off their meds. This isn’t the flu. Look for signs that your child is leading a healthy, fulfilling life. That’s “well.”
12. Watch this video. Even if your child is diagnosed with something other than depression, this explains many forms of mental illness.
During the time that our family was in the thick of it, I quickly realized that our new normal needed to be re-evaluated. Family and personal concerns changed, relationships between family members changed, relationships with friends and neighbors changed. Here are some things I learned about surviving and thriving in tricky times.
- Protect your own health. Keep doing your sport, your hobby, your garden, your thing. This is the part where you put on your own oxygen mask before putting on your child’s.
- Circle the wagons. Your child needs space and privacy to figure this out. Who is in your circle? Please, only include people who are loving, supportive, and well-informed: your spouse, your other children, limited extended family, and limited friends. This is nobody’s business but your child’s. Until they are healthy enough to go public, let them stay private.
- What do you tell Other People? Nothing. They’re on a need-to-know basis, and they don’t need to know. Your life will be messy for a while. There will be times when you are late--just say, “Sorry I’m late” and proceed as usual. If your child is a no-show at family or church gatherings, just say he/she couldn’t make it. This is your family’s business, and at a brighter point in the future you can decide what to tell Other People. Until then, protect your child’s privacy and dignity.
- People will ask your child hurtful questions. Some will give unsolicited advice. Well-meaning but clueless people will suggest all kinds of options for your child: diet, religion, exercise, homeopathy, positive thinking, willpower, vacations. While all those things may be parts of the road to recovery, it is up to you, your child, and the medical staff to decide what is necessary and what is useless. Read this article, which illustrates how society tends to treat those with mental illness.
- Don’t be surprised if life throws other stuff at you. Your parents might need you, work might give you heck, your other kids might feel neglected and act out. You will feel like a juggler who keeps getting new balls tossed at you, and you’ll occasionally drop one. I dropped a lot of balls, but I don’t even remember what they were now. It’s just a messy time of life.
- Pray. Pray for your child’s health, pray for your family’s cohesiveness, pray for clarity, pray for strength. Be grateful for small improvements. Feel free to use my two favorite prayers from this time: “Please” and “Thank You.” Appreciate the good things around you. Acknowledge your own shortcomings, pray, move on. Difficult times make you bitter or better: you get to pick.
- Love. One of my favorite TV shows, Call the Midwife, had a great quote when something terrible happened to a family, “There is no joy, but there is love.” Love the sick person, love the healthy ones.
Going through this with my family was difficult, but it was also eye-opening in many ways. Here are a few things we learned.
- My husband and I lightened up on our parenting style. While our morals and ethics stayed the same, we began to pick our battles more carefully. Not every incident needed a lecture. We also lightened up on planning our children’s futures: we stopped projecting our desires on to their career plans, and let them chose for themselves. Looks like Kid 3 will double-major in crafts and volunteering. Go for it, sweetie!
- I have more sympathy for other people’s weirdness. After all the times I said, “Sorry I’m late,” (see above) I began to wonder if people who did or said things that didn’t make sense were covering for a loved one’s problem, or protecting themselves from people who were on a Need-to-Know basis. Maybe I didn’t need to know.
- My religion became very practical. No more going to prayer group or Bible study just because I’d signed up if it wasn’t doing me any good. No more saying, “Just trust God!” to people who can’t even get out of bed--it does more harm than help. No more volunteering for jobs you don’t want to do because the plea from the pulpit was so compelling. God is real and good and He wants to help us, but we must each find how that works for ourselves. I stopped just going through the motions of Christianity. What worked for me? Bible reading, prayer with good friends, singing in church, C. S. Lewis, Anne Lamott. Find your thing.
- What used to be bad became ok. One day after our child started to get better, I realized that the worst things that had happened that week were that our other child made a C in science and lost his glasses. In all sincerity, that was a GOOD WEEK. I thanked God that science and glasses were the worst things that week. Truly.
- Literature made more sense than ever. In Pride and Prejudice, Mrs. Bennett freaked out when Lydia ran off, and the whole family catered to her while she hyperventilated in her nightie. When Marianne was crying her eyes out in Sense and Sensibility, Mrs. Jennings offered her olives. If there was no Xanax, I’d scramble to find anything that would help my hysterical loved one, too.
- I doubted myself in every way possible. Things that got examined, re-examined, and second guessed included my sanity, my husband’s sanity, my/our parenting, health choices, my career choices, my children’s education, our marriage. When I realized that these doubts were just a jumping-off point for self-pity, and it was crippling my ability to make everyday choices, I fixed what I could, ignored the rest, and moved on. Old decisions still nag me, but I don’t have time to work them all out. Focus on the present.
- Some things suddenly made sense. When our child was diagnosed with ADHD, that showed us that other family members likely also have ADHD, just in more manageable degrees. Now I can appreciate how my family members cope in ingenious ways. How can my son doodle during lectures, yet still remember every point? Why does my husband always leave the house, come back for the thing he forgot, and leave again? Why do my kids go through hobbies weekly? Why have we had so many different pets, pieces of sporting equipment, musical instruments, cars, and furniture? Because we’re hunters in a farmer’s world. http://www.amazon.com/Attention-Deficit-Disorder-Different-Perception/dp/1887424148 They are all unique and lovely, and now I see a thread that ties us all together. It’s a thread that is easier for some than others.
- Dealing with the stigma of mental illness may be your child’s hardest part of the battle. Our society has improved in this area, but we still have a long way to go. Mental illness requires treatment just like physical illness does, but the healing process can be hurt or helped depending on how you and your family react. Don’t place additional burdens on your child by giving them advice regarding attitude, behavior, or treatment; just stick to what the doctors ordered. You can’t determine what outsiders say to your child, or what messages they pick up from the media and their surroundings, but you can start by supporting your child from the beginning and equipping them with positive feedback so that when they hear people perpetuating primitive attitudes about mental illness, they will remember your words of love. Hopefully, you can give them a shield to deflect those arrows.
Again, this is not medical advice, it’s mom advice. I hope it helps. With love and professional help, your family can get through the crisis and come out stronger on the other side.
Any other suggestions? I’d love to hear what worked for you.