 | After 25 years of starts, stops, and do-overs, my husband Sam has turned into a gift-giving pro. It was hard work, but he did it. It has come to my attention, however, that some of my gentle male readers may not have gone through the necessary enlightenment required to make their women happy at celebratory occasions, so I’ve put together this helpful guide. Follow Sam’s lead, and see if you get some good results. |
Here are some things men like to buy for their women. These aren’t bad ideas, but they could all use a little refinement.
Lingerie. This is a tricky gift, because the middle-aged woman’s body is a thing of mystery to both its owner and its observers. (Puberty was a beast, reverse puberty is a beast from hell.) First, avoid Victoria’s Secret at all costs. That’s for women in the Catch-A-Man phase, and we’re in the Keep-A-Man phase. We could endure scratchy lace and invasive straps in our toned twenties, but that ship has sailed. Here’s what you do, if you must buy lingerie: snap a photo of some intimate apparel tags in her dresser drawer to get the sizes, and go to an upscale department store or lingerie shop. (And when I say upscale, I mean it. Don’t go to Walmart and then accuse me of ruining your life. Go to Nordstroms, at least.) Find a middle-aged sales lady, or the token gay salesman, show them the tag photos and a photo of your wife, and ask for help. They will probably think you’re adorable just for trying and point you to a tasteful but exciting rack of something lovely. And don’t worry when you’re walking out of the shop with your tissue-stuffed pink shopping bag--nobody’s going to think you’re a closet transvestite who’s decided it’s Treat Yourself Day. Your sheepish expression says it all. By the way, keep all receipts. If she needs to exchange it, you still get full credit for thoughtfulness.
Electronics. This was Sam’s go-to present for me for 15 agonizing years, until I finally told him, “No more cords, no more batteries.” I think the gift that pushed me over the edge was the bathtub jacuzzi attachment. It was louder than a diesel truck and shot bubbles at my left side only, since that was the only place on the tub it could perch. However, in the past few years I have welcomed his electronic gifts, because something inside him clicked and he started doing things right. Here is my suggestion: go technology. Last Christmas, Sam knew I was thinking about trading my big desktop computer for a little laptop that I could take on our round-the-world trip, but was hesitant about spending money on something I’m reluctant to deal with, not being a tech person AT ALL. So, he went to the Apple store and phoned up a knowledgeable friend who knew about my situation. The friend guided him through the purchase of the cutest little laptop you’ve ever seen. It hardly adds any weight at all to my loaded backpack, and has plenty of brainpower so I don’t have to worry about photo storage or my classical-heavy music library. Score! Again, keep all receipts.
On the other hand, if you know your woman wants something specific, go for it! Spend the money! Has she always wanted a riding lawnmower? A soldering kit? Her own personal drill that nobody else can touch? Do it! As long as it doesn’t fall into the Appliances category, but stays firmly in the Hobbies category, you’re safe.
Which leads me to my next topic...
Appliances. No. Just no.
Kitchen and Cleaning Aids. Just say no. Stop right there. Pocket your credit card and go home. I know, you’re thinking, “This will make her life easier!” But to your woman it says, “Get back in the kitchen where you belong.” No Roomba or Vitamix is going to get you where you want to be after the birthday dinner. If you know what I mean.
The exception to this rule is if she has mentioned something she really wants but wouldn’t buy for herself. For example, around my last birthday, I really got into cooking. Being retired, I had more time on my hands and I read cookbooks, tried new recipes, and began to enjoy myself in the kitchen for the first time ever. As I progressed, I realized that my new pursuit was hampered by my Target $9.99 frying pan, and I began to long for Le Creuset. Sam went to Sur la Table and got me just what I wanted! Like a smart guy, he kept the receipt. Always keep the receipt.
Jewelry. This one is easy. Just look at who she favors for president.
Lingerie. This is a tricky gift, because the middle-aged woman’s body is a thing of mystery to both its owner and its observers. (Puberty was a beast, reverse puberty is a beast from hell.) First, avoid Victoria’s Secret at all costs. That’s for women in the Catch-A-Man phase, and we’re in the Keep-A-Man phase. We could endure scratchy lace and invasive straps in our toned twenties, but that ship has sailed. Here’s what you do, if you must buy lingerie: snap a photo of some intimate apparel tags in her dresser drawer to get the sizes, and go to an upscale department store or lingerie shop. (And when I say upscale, I mean it. Don’t go to Walmart and then accuse me of ruining your life. Go to Nordstroms, at least.) Find a middle-aged sales lady, or the token gay salesman, show them the tag photos and a photo of your wife, and ask for help. They will probably think you’re adorable just for trying and point you to a tasteful but exciting rack of something lovely. And don’t worry when you’re walking out of the shop with your tissue-stuffed pink shopping bag--nobody’s going to think you’re a closet transvestite who’s decided it’s Treat Yourself Day. Your sheepish expression says it all. By the way, keep all receipts. If she needs to exchange it, you still get full credit for thoughtfulness.
Electronics. This was Sam’s go-to present for me for 15 agonizing years, until I finally told him, “No more cords, no more batteries.” I think the gift that pushed me over the edge was the bathtub jacuzzi attachment. It was louder than a diesel truck and shot bubbles at my left side only, since that was the only place on the tub it could perch. However, in the past few years I have welcomed his electronic gifts, because something inside him clicked and he started doing things right. Here is my suggestion: go technology. Last Christmas, Sam knew I was thinking about trading my big desktop computer for a little laptop that I could take on our round-the-world trip, but was hesitant about spending money on something I’m reluctant to deal with, not being a tech person AT ALL. So, he went to the Apple store and phoned up a knowledgeable friend who knew about my situation. The friend guided him through the purchase of the cutest little laptop you’ve ever seen. It hardly adds any weight at all to my loaded backpack, and has plenty of brainpower so I don’t have to worry about photo storage or my classical-heavy music library. Score! Again, keep all receipts.
On the other hand, if you know your woman wants something specific, go for it! Spend the money! Has she always wanted a riding lawnmower? A soldering kit? Her own personal drill that nobody else can touch? Do it! As long as it doesn’t fall into the Appliances category, but stays firmly in the Hobbies category, you’re safe.
Which leads me to my next topic...
Appliances. No. Just no.
Kitchen and Cleaning Aids. Just say no. Stop right there. Pocket your credit card and go home. I know, you’re thinking, “This will make her life easier!” But to your woman it says, “Get back in the kitchen where you belong.” No Roomba or Vitamix is going to get you where you want to be after the birthday dinner. If you know what I mean.
The exception to this rule is if she has mentioned something she really wants but wouldn’t buy for herself. For example, around my last birthday, I really got into cooking. Being retired, I had more time on my hands and I read cookbooks, tried new recipes, and began to enjoy myself in the kitchen for the first time ever. As I progressed, I realized that my new pursuit was hampered by my Target $9.99 frying pan, and I began to long for Le Creuset. Sam went to Sur la Table and got me just what I wanted! Like a smart guy, he kept the receipt. Always keep the receipt.
Jewelry. This one is easy. Just look at who she favors for president.
 |  |  |
| Trump Something like the Super Star Pearl Full Diamond Necklace Choker. Go big. Go huge. | Cruz A two-tone gold crucifix pendant. | Rubio A mother’s necklace with birthstones for her children. |
 |  |  |
| Kasich Pearl stud earrings. A classic, but sadly, often passed over for something trendier. | Clinton Chunky beads. Be sure to make them eye-catching but subtle. That way, her friends won’t know if they’re from JC Penney’s Spring Collection, or something your friend Prince Abdullah gave you on that last business trip to Saudi Arabia. | Sanders She has never worn jewelry. You’re barking up the wrong tree. |
Tickets. This is actually a fantasy of mine. It’s never happened. So, gents, try it and let me know if it works. Here’s how it goes: you buy tickets for your woman’s favorite thing (sports, concert, ComicCon, whatever) and give it to her with a promise of dinner and dressing appropriately for the event. The sight of you in an orange jersey, suit and tie, or Captain Kirk costume might give you that edge you’ve been missing.
Well, that’s all I’ve got, gents. Best of luck, and let me know how it goes.
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Well, that’s all I’ve got, gents. Best of luck, and let me know how it goes.
Subscribe? You never know when it might come in handy.
PREVIOUS: Museum of the Confederacy, Greenville, SC
NEXT: Travel and the Non-Custodial Parent