 | It’s bound to happen. Some conservative Christians are going to find out that someone they love is gay. (By the way, I can’t answer the world’s tough questions on my little travel and lifestyle blog. All I can do is ask my readers to consider their own viewpoint and think about how you will react when your loved one wants to discuss this hot topic with you.) |
(Let me also say that I’m not asking you to change your theology overnight. We’re just talking about the moment of discovery here. That’s all.)
It could be a family member, a friend, a coworker. If they know you well enough to know your religious beliefs, they might have delayed telling you because it took a lot of courage just to get the words out. When they decide to tell you, they might feel vulnerable or nervous or stressed out. They might be concerned that you will shut down the relationship. They might be concerned that you will yell, or shame them, or throw them out. Depending on your interpretation of the Bible, you might feel like you have a right to do that. However, reacting in anger will not help anything.
Maybe you’ve been avoiding the issue, letting other people work this tricky problem out, because until it gets personal you didn’t have to think too hard about it. However, just in case, let’s go ahead and think about this part of it. Your reaction will influence your continued relationship with your loved ones, and if you want to keep them in your circle, you’ll need to do some soul-searching and know your own mind.
It could be a family member, a friend, a coworker. If they know you well enough to know your religious beliefs, they might have delayed telling you because it took a lot of courage just to get the words out. When they decide to tell you, they might feel vulnerable or nervous or stressed out. They might be concerned that you will shut down the relationship. They might be concerned that you will yell, or shame them, or throw them out. Depending on your interpretation of the Bible, you might feel like you have a right to do that. However, reacting in anger will not help anything.
Maybe you’ve been avoiding the issue, letting other people work this tricky problem out, because until it gets personal you didn’t have to think too hard about it. However, just in case, let’s go ahead and think about this part of it. Your reaction will influence your continued relationship with your loved ones, and if you want to keep them in your circle, you’ll need to do some soul-searching and know your own mind.
When members of the LGBTQ community come out to their loved ones, people typically have several standard not-so-helpful questions. Let me answer them here so you can skip this part when your loved one comes out and avoid making things even more uncomfortable.
Q: How do you know you’re gay?
A: The same way you know you’re straight.
Q: Aren’t you kind of young for this discussion?
A: It’s not a question of how young people are--I (Yvonne) had a crush on a boy in second grade. Didn’t you?
Q: Should we get you some help?
A: If you mean counseling to deal with the pressures of being gay in today’s world, then maybe so. If you mean conversion therapy, then no, since every major psychological, psychiatric, and medical association says it’s dangerous and ineffective.
Q: What are we going to do?
A: Continue normal life, without gay jokes and slurs.
Q: Can we just not tell anybody?
A: That’s up to the LGBTQ person.
Q: Maybe it’s just a phase?
A: So far, it’s a life-long phase.
Q: What does the Bible say about this?
A: If your loved one has been attending a progressive church that teaches that God blesses gay relationships, they’re probably at peace with themselves and their church. To understand this viewpoint, read Justin Lee’s Torn: Rescuing the Gospel from the Gays-Vs.-Christians Debate or watch the documentary For the Bible Tells Me So.
Or, your loved one might feel like there is no place for them in the church and, therefore, they chose to leave. This makes them even more vulnerable and they will need the support of their friends and family now more than ever. They hope you’ll understand.
Q: How do you know you’re gay?
A: The same way you know you’re straight.
Q: Aren’t you kind of young for this discussion?
A: It’s not a question of how young people are--I (Yvonne) had a crush on a boy in second grade. Didn’t you?
Q: Should we get you some help?
A: If you mean counseling to deal with the pressures of being gay in today’s world, then maybe so. If you mean conversion therapy, then no, since every major psychological, psychiatric, and medical association says it’s dangerous and ineffective.
Q: What are we going to do?
A: Continue normal life, without gay jokes and slurs.
Q: Can we just not tell anybody?
A: That’s up to the LGBTQ person.
Q: Maybe it’s just a phase?
A: So far, it’s a life-long phase.
Q: What does the Bible say about this?
A: If your loved one has been attending a progressive church that teaches that God blesses gay relationships, they’re probably at peace with themselves and their church. To understand this viewpoint, read Justin Lee’s Torn: Rescuing the Gospel from the Gays-Vs.-Christians Debate or watch the documentary For the Bible Tells Me So.
Or, your loved one might feel like there is no place for them in the church and, therefore, they chose to leave. This makes them even more vulnerable and they will need the support of their friends and family now more than ever. They hope you’ll understand.
As your loved one talks to you, listen. It’s alright to be confused, conflicted, or downright baffled. Please remember, they are not sure how you’ll react, and they are looking for your love and support. Ultimately, they would love for you to endorse them wholeheartedly, but they know that might not be possible today. You can delve into the theological issues as time goes on, but in this moment your loved one just needs to know you care.
What can you say and do that might ease the situation and pave the way for conversations later on?
You could thank them for telling you, and say you appreciate their honesty. You could hug them, because the platonic hugs you shared in the past will not change. You can tell them that even though this goes against what you believe, you love them and you’ll will figure it out together. Offer sympathy for how difficult this season of their life is. If you’re concerned about their safety at school, work, or home, talk about that and see if you can help. Express your concern and tell them you’ll stick with them.
What can you say and do that might ease the situation and pave the way for conversations later on?
You could thank them for telling you, and say you appreciate their honesty. You could hug them, because the platonic hugs you shared in the past will not change. You can tell them that even though this goes against what you believe, you love them and you’ll will figure it out together. Offer sympathy for how difficult this season of their life is. If you’re concerned about their safety at school, work, or home, talk about that and see if you can help. Express your concern and tell them you’ll stick with them.
Here are some additional books you might find interesting:
God Believes in Love, by Gene Robinson
God and the Gay Christian, by Matthew Vines
Bible, Gender, Sexuality, by James Brownson
The bottom line is that friends and families need each other, and if this is a difficult time for your or your LGBTQ loved one, you need each other more than ever.
(I realize that my mis-use of “them” as a singular pronoun will be disturbing to the grammar nerds out there, and frankly, it bugs me, too. My options were to use “him/her” or “her/him” or just say “your loved one” beaucoups of times in lieu of any pronouns at all, but those all felt bulky. Times are changing, and until grammar catches up with modernity and gives me a gender-neutral singular pronoun for humans, I’m just going to roll with it.)
Feel free to leave comments, personal anecdotes, or grammar tips below.
God Believes in Love, by Gene Robinson
God and the Gay Christian, by Matthew Vines
Bible, Gender, Sexuality, by James Brownson
The bottom line is that friends and families need each other, and if this is a difficult time for your or your LGBTQ loved one, you need each other more than ever.
(I realize that my mis-use of “them” as a singular pronoun will be disturbing to the grammar nerds out there, and frankly, it bugs me, too. My options were to use “him/her” or “her/him” or just say “your loved one” beaucoups of times in lieu of any pronouns at all, but those all felt bulky. Times are changing, and until grammar catches up with modernity and gives me a gender-neutral singular pronoun for humans, I’m just going to roll with it.)
Feel free to leave comments, personal anecdotes, or grammar tips below.