 | Squat potties are abundant in the non-Western world, and my main experience with them has been in China. While some white people balk at the humble squat potty, I actually think it’s preferable to a sit-down in most parts of China. Why? Because in China, they build public toilets and then they rarely, if ever, maintain them. I’d much rather have the soles of my feet be the only thing that touches anything in there. Also, the squat is undeniably the quickest way to get things done if you know what I mean. You can do this! Just follow these 8 easy steps. |
 | The toilet pictured has a convenient raised splash guard. That’s not a seat! Don’t touch it. This is a pretty spiffy city toilet. Some have no splash guard and sticky floors (this floor just looks wet and dirty, which is better than some). My favorites have a gigantic porcelain basin with two little hills for you to stand on--the water swirls around your feet when you flush. I’m glad I can start you on this fancy model. 1. First of all, let’s get the men-who-only-need-to-pee out of the way. Gents, proceed as usual: stand back and aim well. Congratulations on having convenient plumbing. 2. Now, for everyone who needs to squat: prep before you enter the bathroom. There is probably no coat-hook, so give your outerwear to your travel buddy. You don’t want to drag your scarf out of the water or lose a glove down there. Stash your toilet paper (you did bring toilet paper, right?) on your upper body (you’ll see why in a minute). Ladies, never wear a long skirt in China--you’ll have to wad the extra yardage up under your chin, and that’s a lot to concentrate on. 3. Drop your drawers. 4. Assume the position. Face the splash guard. Give it the full squat. Do not attempt a dignified hover--your aim will be iffy and your quads will start to shake when you least need it. Embrace your inner Amazon-warrior-maiden-in-labor and get all the way down there. |
5. Do your business. Instead of being grossed out by how up-close and personal things are, enjoy the facility of use and the fact that only your shoe-bottoms are touching anything in this nasty place. You are woman, hear you roar! Or pooping man, whichever.
6. Retrieve your toilet paper from wherever you have concealed it. Now, aren’t you glad you didn’t put it in your pants pocket? Your pockets are now somewhere around your bent knees, totally out of range.
7. Heave yourself to an upright position and get things back together. Flush. There’s probably a chain, rope, button, etc.
8. Retrieve your belongings from your buddy and wash your hands with your anti-bacterial wipes. (You did bring wipes, right?)
Congratulations! You are a successful squat potty user! The world is your oyster.
If you’d like to send me photos of your toilet adventures, I’m open to that. Please, keep it classy.
Pictures courtesy of reader and friend Christine Liu. Thanks, Christine!
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6. Retrieve your toilet paper from wherever you have concealed it. Now, aren’t you glad you didn’t put it in your pants pocket? Your pockets are now somewhere around your bent knees, totally out of range.
7. Heave yourself to an upright position and get things back together. Flush. There’s probably a chain, rope, button, etc.
8. Retrieve your belongings from your buddy and wash your hands with your anti-bacterial wipes. (You did bring wipes, right?)
Congratulations! You are a successful squat potty user! The world is your oyster.
If you’d like to send me photos of your toilet adventures, I’m open to that. Please, keep it classy.
Pictures courtesy of reader and friend Christine Liu. Thanks, Christine!
PREVIOUS: Fartichoke
NEXT: Buddha's Hand Citroen