 | My swimsuit rule number one: always stand in the back row when wearing your suit. Nothing to hide, just don’t want to flaunt it. |
First, the easy part--the men. Guys, within three easy steps, you’ll be ready for summer.
1. Go to any store which sells mens clothing: Wal-Mart, Macy’s, Tommy Bahama’s, etc.
2. Approach the mens swimsuit rack. Choose a pair of trunks in the same size as your shorts. Pick a pattern and color which please you. No need to try them on. (Optional step for go-getters: hold them up to your waist to see if they fit.)
3. Pay anywhere between $14.99 and $35.00. You’re ready for fun in the sun!
Gents, thanks for reading. You may now go back to your knitting, unless you’re one of those super-encouraging males you wants to help his woman find her next suit and you’re looking for some pointers. Welcome aboard!
Now, ladies. Please breathe deeply and look forward with cheer to all the good times you’re going to have this summer. Ok, let’s begin.
For many years, I shopped for swimsuits the wrong way. I was in a hurry, I waited till too late in the season and all the good ones were gone, or I tried to do it all myself and got all sweaty in the dressing room so the suits wouldn’t slide on. Crying happened. Self-hatred was rampant. Or I ordered a suit online and had to return it. (At least that way you can cry in the privacy of your own home.) Those days are over! Follow my advice, and you’ll be out there enjoying yourself with your loved ones at the beach or pool!
One of the problems with swimsuit shopping is that there are two kinds of suits on the market: ones college students should wear, and ones grandmas should wear. There’s just not much inventory for us ladies who want to wear a normal-looking swimsuit without worrying about side-boob fails or having to shave where God didn’t intend us to.
Let’s get one thing straight: I’m not ashamed of my body, and I hope you’re not ashamed of yours. Our bodies have walked us through this life faithfully for many decades, carrying our souls through puberty, illness, surgery, childbirth, accidents, menopause, and election season. The bloom of my youth is over: my skin is pasty white, my tummy pooches, and anything that was once perky now sags. I wouldn’t have it any other way, because my body got me where I am and will get me the rest of the way there.
But even with all that self-love talk, putting my beloved vehicle on display is harrowing. Let’s get through this together.
Before you go shopping, find that razor you haven’t used since last September, put in a new blade, and get busy shaving. No swimsuit looks good on gorilla legs.
Alright, let’s go.
Here is one solution I’ve found: the athlete’s swimsuit. I like to go to Sports Basement, a big friendly store staffed by fresh-faced people who look like they just got back from hiking Mount Everest. All those endorphins make them helpful. Go to the swimsuit department, tell Granola Jill what you want (a swimsuit that covers all important body parts but doesn’t look like you’re headed for Senior Water Aerobics). She will steer you toward a rack of suits designed for women to swim, run, and hike in. Most are lined and supportive with decent built-in bras, and you have some choice as to leg height.
Leg height, by the way, can make or break the suit. If the legs are cut too low, approaching horizontal, let it go. That’s Grandma Town. You can show a little more thigh. If the legs are cut too high, though, you’ll have a wedgie till September. Go for mid-rise.
Pick at least 5 suits in multiple sizes, styles, and colors. Nobody cares what your size is, so don’t freak out when you read the tags. Fit is the important thing here, not numbers. Try them all on. Ask Jill’s opinion. Maybe eat a small bit of the emergency chocolate from your purse. No judgement. If the suit fits, it looks good, and you can sit, bend, and wave while maintaining your dignity, buy it. It’ll set you back $90, but if you swim once a week the whole summer that’s less than $10 for a confident day of fun in the sun. You won’t be the trendiest chick on the beach, but you might have the best time.
1. Go to any store which sells mens clothing: Wal-Mart, Macy’s, Tommy Bahama’s, etc.
2. Approach the mens swimsuit rack. Choose a pair of trunks in the same size as your shorts. Pick a pattern and color which please you. No need to try them on. (Optional step for go-getters: hold them up to your waist to see if they fit.)
3. Pay anywhere between $14.99 and $35.00. You’re ready for fun in the sun!
Gents, thanks for reading. You may now go back to your knitting, unless you’re one of those super-encouraging males you wants to help his woman find her next suit and you’re looking for some pointers. Welcome aboard!
Now, ladies. Please breathe deeply and look forward with cheer to all the good times you’re going to have this summer. Ok, let’s begin.
For many years, I shopped for swimsuits the wrong way. I was in a hurry, I waited till too late in the season and all the good ones were gone, or I tried to do it all myself and got all sweaty in the dressing room so the suits wouldn’t slide on. Crying happened. Self-hatred was rampant. Or I ordered a suit online and had to return it. (At least that way you can cry in the privacy of your own home.) Those days are over! Follow my advice, and you’ll be out there enjoying yourself with your loved ones at the beach or pool!
One of the problems with swimsuit shopping is that there are two kinds of suits on the market: ones college students should wear, and ones grandmas should wear. There’s just not much inventory for us ladies who want to wear a normal-looking swimsuit without worrying about side-boob fails or having to shave where God didn’t intend us to.
Let’s get one thing straight: I’m not ashamed of my body, and I hope you’re not ashamed of yours. Our bodies have walked us through this life faithfully for many decades, carrying our souls through puberty, illness, surgery, childbirth, accidents, menopause, and election season. The bloom of my youth is over: my skin is pasty white, my tummy pooches, and anything that was once perky now sags. I wouldn’t have it any other way, because my body got me where I am and will get me the rest of the way there.
But even with all that self-love talk, putting my beloved vehicle on display is harrowing. Let’s get through this together.
Before you go shopping, find that razor you haven’t used since last September, put in a new blade, and get busy shaving. No swimsuit looks good on gorilla legs.
Alright, let’s go.
Here is one solution I’ve found: the athlete’s swimsuit. I like to go to Sports Basement, a big friendly store staffed by fresh-faced people who look like they just got back from hiking Mount Everest. All those endorphins make them helpful. Go to the swimsuit department, tell Granola Jill what you want (a swimsuit that covers all important body parts but doesn’t look like you’re headed for Senior Water Aerobics). She will steer you toward a rack of suits designed for women to swim, run, and hike in. Most are lined and supportive with decent built-in bras, and you have some choice as to leg height.
Leg height, by the way, can make or break the suit. If the legs are cut too low, approaching horizontal, let it go. That’s Grandma Town. You can show a little more thigh. If the legs are cut too high, though, you’ll have a wedgie till September. Go for mid-rise.
Pick at least 5 suits in multiple sizes, styles, and colors. Nobody cares what your size is, so don’t freak out when you read the tags. Fit is the important thing here, not numbers. Try them all on. Ask Jill’s opinion. Maybe eat a small bit of the emergency chocolate from your purse. No judgement. If the suit fits, it looks good, and you can sit, bend, and wave while maintaining your dignity, buy it. It’ll set you back $90, but if you swim once a week the whole summer that’s less than $10 for a confident day of fun in the sun. You won’t be the trendiest chick on the beach, but you might have the best time.
 |  | Mine looks kind of like this. |
My other option is the boutique swimwear shop. It’s not cheap, but I can almost guarantee you’ll come out of there with a suit that you’re proud of. I like to go to Canyon Beachwear at my local mall. They have all kinds of suits for all kinds of body sizes and types. The quality is great, and you can wear the suit a LOT before it loses its snap (three years for my last one). You can even buy tops and bottoms of different sizes! The sales ladies are nice and they understand your plight. Let’s call our lady Charlotte. Charlotte will put you in a room and bring you suits till you find one you like. Or two. Charlotte will hook you into your suit and instruct you how to shimmy your goods around so that you look statuesque, yet playful. There’s a lot to be said for good posture and a couple of extra folds of fabric in just the right place. She will give you tips and encouragement, and you probably won’t cry.
I like the tankini, because it’s cooler on my stomach than a one-piece on those really hot days, and because it’s easier to go to the bathroom in.
I like the tankini, because it’s cooler on my stomach than a one-piece on those really hot days, and because it’s easier to go to the bathroom in.
 |  | Mine looks like this. |
Charlotte doesn’t come cheap. Those suits cost around $200. If you can still rock a Costco suit, do it. But I can’t. And I will gladly pay $200 for a high-quality suit that makes me feel confident and attractive instead of aged and vulnerable.
Alright, ladies. Shave those legs and hit the stores! Summer is coming, and we’re going to be ready for it.
Alright, ladies. Shave those legs and hit the stores! Summer is coming, and we’re going to be ready for it.
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