The In-Between Generation

Are you in the in-between generation, too? You know, the generation with elderly parents that need care and kids that still need some parental assistance. This past week was an exercise in In-Between Generation for me. I went from California to Texas to New York and back to California in one week.

I used Le Weekend as my packing model, and I’m glad I did.  Since it was stinking hot everywhere I went, I didn’t need any heavy clothing. One bag was fine.

My mother turned 90, and my siblings and I had decided to throw a big bash for her.  It was her first birthday party ever! She has had small family celebrations or dinner with friends, but never a whole party just for her.  She lives in a retirement home in Texas, near my siblings, so we had the party in their library.

I flew to Fort Worth a couple of days early to hang out with Mom.   Staying in the guest room at Mom’s retirement home, which was spare but adequate, was very quiet. We went shoe shopping, browsed the fabric store, and sat around drinking coffee and visiting.

Some of the best parts of Texas for me? BBQ and sunsets.

The party was a smashing success! Friends and family showed up from many places where Mom had lived. All three of her children were there, plus five grandchildren and nine great-grandchildren.

This is my mom, saying, “I’m deaf in one ear and can’t hear out of the other.”

Family gatherings usually have an adorable baby that gets passed around.  Isn’t Schaefer cute?

---

Immediately after the party, I flew to New York, arriving around 1 a.m. Even though my husband took our children to college two weeks ago, I knew I would not feel peaceful until I saw them in their new digs and made sure they were settled in. Since their schools are both in New York City, they are sharing an apartment instead of staying in the dorms. This means I get to sleep on their purple couch when I’m in town. (Sleeping in the retirement home guest room and on my kids’ couch was surprisingly similar: both were utilitarian and quiet, with free coffee.)

I attended orientation at my son’s school, then spent a couple of days equipping their kitchen and following them around to their various activities so I can picture them in their daily routines.  Even with the blessings of texting and Skype, it doesn’t compare to seeing them in real life, and with them on the other side of the country I needed a stronger mental image of them going about their days.

I bought my son warm boots for his birthday which I missed (in our area of California, during winter we have to put on socks and a sweater). Note to self: get used to not being there for their birthdays, but celebrate with shopping or dinner at the next visit.

I went to the gym where my daughter practices her circus skills. Note to self: those years of gymnastics classes really paid off, and now I don’t have to drive her to the gym.

I bought them groceries and an aloe vera plant in case they burn themselves.

I also attended both their church services with them. It’s interesting to see what churches they chose to attend, based on their different personalities and theologies. The introvert picked a screamingly loud, youth-oriented church that meets in a club (packed house with disco ball and wall-of-sound band), and the more extroverted kid picked a traditional church with the best jazz combo worship team I’ve ever heard. Hey, it’s New York: there’s no shortage of talented musicians. Or clubs.

After a couple of days, I made them scrambled eggs and toast for breakfast and caught the plane home to California.  I did not drink alcohol on the plane (as per my suggestion in 10 Things to Do on College Drop-off Day) because I was physically and emotionally running too low to imbibe at 40,000 feet, and the trip home took 11 hours (thank you, Southwest Airlines).  I did, however, eat my weight in carb-y Southwest snacks and airport pastries. I’m not proud, but there it is.

Well, two down, one to go. As one of my wise friends told me, the time with the last kid is very special: enjoy it. I think we will.

Seeing my mom turn 90, surrounded by friends and family, was wonderful, but seeing my children happy and settled at school was necessary for my mental and emotional well-being.  Living in-between these two generations makes me realize that we tend to look forward to our futures instead of back to our pasts. I know my mother is well-cared for and passes her days pleasantly, so I’m content with our relationship even though we live far apart. My children, however, I miss so much it hurts, but I know it’s natural for them to get an education and pursue their dreams, even if we’re far apart.

I’m going to go call my mom now.