 | On the way to an empty nest, life happens. The little birds sometimes come back between schools, between jobs, between relationships. Sometimes they bring more little birds back with them. |
We’ve got a funny economy and expensive higher education. Baby boomers and Gen X-ers can’t figure out the Millennials. It’s harder to get started being a full-fledge grownup. For whatever reason, we’ve all got to be flexible and help the younguns figure it out.
Our daughter came back home for eight months between schools, after she had lived alone in an apartment. She’s a nice person, and we had good communication, so it worked, but she was really ready to go when school started up again. However, that’s not always the case. The returning children are used to independence and self-sufficiency, but we still find ourselves wanting to know about their schedules, friends, and needs. And advise them on all three. When they don’t want advice. That’s the challenge.
I have friends who are a couple of kids ahead of me, and they went through all this first. We talked about our situations, but I really wish I had realized the particular challenges of this time before I was in the middle of it. Then we could have been better prepared and handled everything a little more elegantly.
Here are some questions I wish I’d asked before I became the matriarch of a rotating nest.
Am I the parent or the roommate? Both, but separate the roommate topics from the parenting topics. Treat each topic accordingly. Roommate topics are housing, chores, noise, etc. Parenting topics are much narrower than before. If they didn’t have morals and diligence by the time they left for college, it’s probably too late. Unless something crazy is going on (drugs, police, wearing Crocs) just treat them like visiting adults.
How much of their schedule do I get to know about/dictate? Two scheduling things you have a right to know: 1) Will they be here for dinner? 2) Are they sleeping somewhere else? (Staying out past general bedtime hours does deserve a phone call or text, though.) Other than those two things, do like Elsa and Let It Go.
Can they have overnight guests? Not allowed. Morals aside, this is your house and you deserve to prance around in your underwear late at night.
Can I set a curfew? Nope. Sorry. Give them a house key and go to bed. (Notice I didn’t say go to sleep. Just go to bed. It takes a while to be able to go to sleep before they’re safely home. Just try.)
Can I give them chores? Yes. Roommates do chores. My friend had the best method I’ve heard: give them one job that is totally theirs, something that affects them directly, and never mention it again.
Does their coming home mean I’m doing everything for them that I used to? No. If they’ve been doing their own laundry and making sandwiches at college, they can keep doing that at home. However, it really is nice to put out a big pancake breakfast every now and then.
What if they bring bundles of joy with them? Cats, dogs, babies. Whatever you're going to do, set guidelines before they move in. Stick to it, or re-evaluate the situation and set new boundaries. You don't want Fluffy to get confused.
Can I insist that they attend church/synagogue/Weight Watchers/Young Republicans? No. If they chose to, that’s a beautiful thing. But it’s too late to instill your views in them if they haven’t picked them up already.
Our daughter came back home for eight months between schools, after she had lived alone in an apartment. She’s a nice person, and we had good communication, so it worked, but she was really ready to go when school started up again. However, that’s not always the case. The returning children are used to independence and self-sufficiency, but we still find ourselves wanting to know about their schedules, friends, and needs. And advise them on all three. When they don’t want advice. That’s the challenge.
I have friends who are a couple of kids ahead of me, and they went through all this first. We talked about our situations, but I really wish I had realized the particular challenges of this time before I was in the middle of it. Then we could have been better prepared and handled everything a little more elegantly.
Here are some questions I wish I’d asked before I became the matriarch of a rotating nest.
Am I the parent or the roommate? Both, but separate the roommate topics from the parenting topics. Treat each topic accordingly. Roommate topics are housing, chores, noise, etc. Parenting topics are much narrower than before. If they didn’t have morals and diligence by the time they left for college, it’s probably too late. Unless something crazy is going on (drugs, police, wearing Crocs) just treat them like visiting adults.
How much of their schedule do I get to know about/dictate? Two scheduling things you have a right to know: 1) Will they be here for dinner? 2) Are they sleeping somewhere else? (Staying out past general bedtime hours does deserve a phone call or text, though.) Other than those two things, do like Elsa and Let It Go.
Can they have overnight guests? Not allowed. Morals aside, this is your house and you deserve to prance around in your underwear late at night.
Can I set a curfew? Nope. Sorry. Give them a house key and go to bed. (Notice I didn’t say go to sleep. Just go to bed. It takes a while to be able to go to sleep before they’re safely home. Just try.)
Can I give them chores? Yes. Roommates do chores. My friend had the best method I’ve heard: give them one job that is totally theirs, something that affects them directly, and never mention it again.
Does their coming home mean I’m doing everything for them that I used to? No. If they’ve been doing their own laundry and making sandwiches at college, they can keep doing that at home. However, it really is nice to put out a big pancake breakfast every now and then.
What if they bring bundles of joy with them? Cats, dogs, babies. Whatever you're going to do, set guidelines before they move in. Stick to it, or re-evaluate the situation and set new boundaries. You don't want Fluffy to get confused.
Can I insist that they attend church/synagogue/Weight Watchers/Young Republicans? No. If they chose to, that’s a beautiful thing. But it’s too late to instill your views in them if they haven’t picked them up already.
Having a rotating nest can be a beautiful thing, but you have to adapt your parenting to your kid’s new lifestyle. You've always know Junior as a child, now you can get to him/her as an adult. Enjoy!
What are your suggestions? What worked for your family? Spill it here.
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What are your suggestions? What worked for your family? Spill it here.
Want to subscribe? Weekly newsletter, that’s it.
PREVIOUS: So Close, and Yet So Close
NEXT: California Dreaming