 | I have these American friends. Let’s call them John and Lexie, with a teenaged daughter named Laney. They have lived in Brazil, Paris, and London, but this summer, they are moving back to God’s Country. Houston, Texas. Before they left England, they decided to try those junk foods that Brits rave about. The foods that warm the cockles and mussels of British hearts. |
I also interviewed my British friend Hajar to get her input on these goodies. Americans might have different taste buds. Or different tastes.
The above photo captures it all. I’ll break it down for you here, left to right.
Disclaimer: I was not there. I have not eaten any of these foods, except the bread and the beans. I think beans are a nice picnic side.
First, beans on toast. This is the standard British go-to meal. Lexie bought just the right kind of beans (Heinz--no off-brands would do) to ensure authenticity. Her verdict? “They’re just not good.” Moving on.
Marmite. People have strong feelings about Marmite, either pro or con. Hajar is pro-Marmite, but when Laney tried to eat the pictured Marmite-on-bread (John offered her $20 if she ate it) she gagged and had to quit. Marmite is made from yeast extract, which I feel is not meant to be eaten on its own. Yeast should be listed near the end of the list of ingredients IMHO, not the beginning.
Branston Pickle. This is pickle spread. You put it on bread. Lexie put it on bread with some cheese and mayonnaise. She was not impressed, but Hajar says it is delicious. She said a few years ago a rumor spread that Branston Pickle was going under and people bought as much as they could. They stockpiled Branston Pickle. And, hey, since it doesn’t EVER go bad, some British households probably still have that same Branston Pickle in the cellar. Or larder. Or wherever they keep their food.
Prawn Crisps. In Asia, they are called shrimp chips. Slightly fishy chips. John and Lexie did not mind these, but Hajar had no comment.
Hoola Hoops. These are little ring-shaped chips (potato product) and should be eaten, according to Hajar, from the tips of your fingers. Lexie says they taste like feet, and Hajar said, yes, now that you mention it, they do taste a bit like feet. Hajar also feels that we should include Mini Cheddars, Skips, and Monster Munch in this category of not-to-be-missed salty treats. Definitely go with the pickled onion flavor Monster Munch, she says.
Jaffa Cakes. These little cookies (“sorry, biscuits” I can hear Hajar gently correcting) have a spongy base and orange jelly goo, coated in chocolate. Lexie and John said they did not mind them, even though the spongy part was quite stale. Hajar says, though, that Jaffa Cakes present a variety of enjoyable eating styles: you could pick off the chocolate then eat the sponge and save the orange goo for last, or you could eat the goo first and save the spongy bit for last. I will try both next time I go to the UK.
Hobnobs. These BISCUITS (happy now, Hajar?) are vaguely oat-y and quite plain. John, Lexie, and Laney had no objection to Hobnobs, but found them a bit dull and did not know why they are so popular. Hajar does not eat Hobnobs. They do not arouse her interest.
Tea Cakes. The Americans and Hajar agreed on this one--Tea Cakes are nasty. They are sickly-sweet and filled with mallow, which is like fake marshmallow. Although, what’s real about marshmallow, really?
Ok, hold the phone. I thought I should get a third opinion on the Tea Cakes, because why are they even sold if everybody thinks they’re gross? So I asked another truly British friend, Megan, and SHE said that if SHE had to pick two British snacks they would be (no surprise) Pickled Onion Monster Munch AND (surprise) TEA CAKES. She did not explain herself, just said that those two things are “sheer heaven.” She has memories of eating Hoola Hoops for school lunches, kids declaring their amour by presenting their true love with a Hoola Hoop in the lunchroom (they call it a dinner hall but it’s the same).
Wait, wait, wait. Because I do not just gloss over the facts here at Escaping the Empty Nest, but do some real hard-hitting journalism, I asked yet another British friend, Cate, about the Tea Cake situation. Cate added a whole new layer of complication--she’s a vegetarian, so she says anything with mallow is OUT. Also she says mallow is gross. However, she did think that Tea Cakes can be good if you get the hot cross bun flavor. (I didn’t even realize there was a hot cross bun flavor, also I don’t know what hot cross buns taste like, it’s just a nursery rhyme to me.) Also, Cate says that Marmite and Branston Pickle are “food of the devil”, but she agrees that Hoola Hoops are delicious. She did not, however, use Hoola Hoops to propose--she put one on the end of each finger and pretended to be an alien, then tried to see how many she could fit in her mouth. I identify with Cate.
As far as the “biscuits” go, Cate feels that there is nothing better than a cup of tea with Hobnobs, although she does suggest you try McVitie’s because those are quintessentially British.
Tunnocks Caramels. Hajar says this is what your grandmother serves when you go visit her. I think we have a pretty clear picture of Tunnocks Caramels now.
Ribena. This blackcurrant-flavored drink concentrate is only for kids, everybody agreed. Hey, I was drinking Big Red when I was a kid, so I can’t blame the Brits for this one. Cate says Ribena is disgusting,
Wine Gums. They look like gummy candies but get this: they’re alcohol flavored. As Megan says, “the perfect sweet for the in-denial alcoholic.” She also said her boyfriend loves them. So . . .
Cate used to like Wine Gums when she was little (except the yellow ones) but she doesn’t eat them now because they are not vegetarian. What kind of meat product is in there, anyway? Some gelatinous bone product? I think I’ll skip the Wine Gums. Just have some wine, maybe.
What about you? Do you love or hate one of these treats? Is there another one we should put on the list? Let me know.
Also you can subscribe to this blog here and not miss any more food commentary.
The above photo captures it all. I’ll break it down for you here, left to right.
Disclaimer: I was not there. I have not eaten any of these foods, except the bread and the beans. I think beans are a nice picnic side.
First, beans on toast. This is the standard British go-to meal. Lexie bought just the right kind of beans (Heinz--no off-brands would do) to ensure authenticity. Her verdict? “They’re just not good.” Moving on.
Marmite. People have strong feelings about Marmite, either pro or con. Hajar is pro-Marmite, but when Laney tried to eat the pictured Marmite-on-bread (John offered her $20 if she ate it) she gagged and had to quit. Marmite is made from yeast extract, which I feel is not meant to be eaten on its own. Yeast should be listed near the end of the list of ingredients IMHO, not the beginning.
Branston Pickle. This is pickle spread. You put it on bread. Lexie put it on bread with some cheese and mayonnaise. She was not impressed, but Hajar says it is delicious. She said a few years ago a rumor spread that Branston Pickle was going under and people bought as much as they could. They stockpiled Branston Pickle. And, hey, since it doesn’t EVER go bad, some British households probably still have that same Branston Pickle in the cellar. Or larder. Or wherever they keep their food.
Prawn Crisps. In Asia, they are called shrimp chips. Slightly fishy chips. John and Lexie did not mind these, but Hajar had no comment.
Hoola Hoops. These are little ring-shaped chips (potato product) and should be eaten, according to Hajar, from the tips of your fingers. Lexie says they taste like feet, and Hajar said, yes, now that you mention it, they do taste a bit like feet. Hajar also feels that we should include Mini Cheddars, Skips, and Monster Munch in this category of not-to-be-missed salty treats. Definitely go with the pickled onion flavor Monster Munch, she says.
Jaffa Cakes. These little cookies (“sorry, biscuits” I can hear Hajar gently correcting) have a spongy base and orange jelly goo, coated in chocolate. Lexie and John said they did not mind them, even though the spongy part was quite stale. Hajar says, though, that Jaffa Cakes present a variety of enjoyable eating styles: you could pick off the chocolate then eat the sponge and save the orange goo for last, or you could eat the goo first and save the spongy bit for last. I will try both next time I go to the UK.
Hobnobs. These BISCUITS (happy now, Hajar?) are vaguely oat-y and quite plain. John, Lexie, and Laney had no objection to Hobnobs, but found them a bit dull and did not know why they are so popular. Hajar does not eat Hobnobs. They do not arouse her interest.
Tea Cakes. The Americans and Hajar agreed on this one--Tea Cakes are nasty. They are sickly-sweet and filled with mallow, which is like fake marshmallow. Although, what’s real about marshmallow, really?
Ok, hold the phone. I thought I should get a third opinion on the Tea Cakes, because why are they even sold if everybody thinks they’re gross? So I asked another truly British friend, Megan, and SHE said that if SHE had to pick two British snacks they would be (no surprise) Pickled Onion Monster Munch AND (surprise) TEA CAKES. She did not explain herself, just said that those two things are “sheer heaven.” She has memories of eating Hoola Hoops for school lunches, kids declaring their amour by presenting their true love with a Hoola Hoop in the lunchroom (they call it a dinner hall but it’s the same).
Wait, wait, wait. Because I do not just gloss over the facts here at Escaping the Empty Nest, but do some real hard-hitting journalism, I asked yet another British friend, Cate, about the Tea Cake situation. Cate added a whole new layer of complication--she’s a vegetarian, so she says anything with mallow is OUT. Also she says mallow is gross. However, she did think that Tea Cakes can be good if you get the hot cross bun flavor. (I didn’t even realize there was a hot cross bun flavor, also I don’t know what hot cross buns taste like, it’s just a nursery rhyme to me.) Also, Cate says that Marmite and Branston Pickle are “food of the devil”, but she agrees that Hoola Hoops are delicious. She did not, however, use Hoola Hoops to propose--she put one on the end of each finger and pretended to be an alien, then tried to see how many she could fit in her mouth. I identify with Cate.
As far as the “biscuits” go, Cate feels that there is nothing better than a cup of tea with Hobnobs, although she does suggest you try McVitie’s because those are quintessentially British.
Tunnocks Caramels. Hajar says this is what your grandmother serves when you go visit her. I think we have a pretty clear picture of Tunnocks Caramels now.
Ribena. This blackcurrant-flavored drink concentrate is only for kids, everybody agreed. Hey, I was drinking Big Red when I was a kid, so I can’t blame the Brits for this one. Cate says Ribena is disgusting,
Wine Gums. They look like gummy candies but get this: they’re alcohol flavored. As Megan says, “the perfect sweet for the in-denial alcoholic.” She also said her boyfriend loves them. So . . .
Cate used to like Wine Gums when she was little (except the yellow ones) but she doesn’t eat them now because they are not vegetarian. What kind of meat product is in there, anyway? Some gelatinous bone product? I think I’ll skip the Wine Gums. Just have some wine, maybe.
What about you? Do you love or hate one of these treats? Is there another one we should put on the list? Let me know.
Also you can subscribe to this blog here and not miss any more food commentary.